When Three Equals One
by China Dolly
Summary: Shikamaru Nara, six years old, survived a kidnapping but had to create two alternates to save himself. Now, years later how is his life affected by that fateful kidnapping and how does his boyfriend deal with it when he finds out? Child-abuse; Yaoi
1. Prologue

******WARNING: **Child-abuse, implied non-con/rape and some bad language  
******Note:** Well, have fun isn't quite what I should say but I hope it quirks your interest.

**Prologue**

It was cold and an old light-bulb was screwed into a lamp-shade which dangled from the ceiling by a damaged flex, flickering and soon the light would fade completely. That would cast the two by two windowless room in complete darkness but the little occupant of the room would probably not notice if and when that happened.

He sat on the mattress that lay on the floor, the only furniture in the room with the bare concrete walls.

He was crying, his body shaking and tears were falling from his eyes like rain. He had pressed his small and fragile frame into the corner of the room that was facing the door but he had buried his head in his knees which he held tightly against his chest as a shield.

"M-mommy, I w-want Mommy!" He sobbed, his voice hoarse from crying and yelling. Because he hadn't stopped calling for his mother and father ever since he was rudely abducted from the mall he was visiting with his mother three days ago.

The moment the stranger had grabbed him and dragged him away, afterwards shoving him roughly into a car and his partner-in-crime driving off with screeching wheels, he had been in shock.

He was a smart boy, brilliant even and suspected a genius amongst those who knew him. So the fact he was kidnapped had shocked him but he could handle that.

Being beaten by his abductors and locked into this tiny room were too much for his six-year-old brain to handle though. All he did now was cry for he didn't know what else to do after three days of confinement without any human contact.

* * *

He could hear someone unlocking the door and his eyes widened in fright and he froze.

His lower-lip trembled and he raised his head slightly, his still childish curiosity too much for him to contain. He hiccupped and then bit his still trembling lip, afraid to make a sound and scared he would be beaten again if he misbehaved.

The door was pushed open and a man entered, an adult that looked at him through his round glasses perched on his nose. The boy cowered under that cold and scrutinizing gaze.

"Hello, Shikamaru." The man greeted him, his tone friendly and his expression softened. He squatted down and a small smile appeared on his face when he extended his hand for the young boy to take. "There's someone that wants to meet you."

Fearfully Shikamaru looked at the man, suspicious of the situation and he pulled his knees up against his chest again. This was the man that had driven the car in which he was kidnapped. This man wasn't nice.

When the boy didn't walk towards him the white-haired male sighed. "Is there something you want?" He asked, his eyes fixed on the distraught and still shaking boy.

Shikamaru worried his lip and breathed heavily through his nose while trying to get some grip on himself. But he was only six and getting a grip on yourself when on the playground was already hard enough for the child. In the end he didn't succeed and that only caused more tears to flow down his cheeks.

"I-I want Mommy and Daddy!" He said defensively.

But even though he was only six, he was way ahead of his age and thus realized that seeing his parents again soon was not an option. Because these two men had not dragged him into a car for nothing.

"And you'll see them again soon, Shikamaru." The man promised.

Shikamaru shook his head, biting his lower-lip and lowering his eyes.

He didn't trust this man, he was a stranger after all and hadn't done a thing when the other pale man had hit him in the face. But at least the man himself hadn't hurt him and he was very hungry by now.

He worried his lip. He wanted to eat and he wanted to get out of this room. He never liked being in small, enclosed rooms and he had been in this tiny box for a long time and he felt the room getting smaller by the minute. It scared him.

"You don't believe me?" The man suddenly asked.

"No." Shikamaru whispered, flinching the moment he had spoken the words since he was afraid of the man's reaction.

But to the little boy's surprise the man laughed, the sound echoing through the room. "I understand." Kabuto said and stood up.

He slowly walked out of the room and turned around with the friendly smile still plastered on his face. "I'll leave the door open and when you want to take a little walk or eat something just give a yell, all right? My name's Kabuto." He said and then turned around and walked away.

Shikamaru blinked, surprised and stunned.

He peered into the hallway, with a yellow wall-paper and an ugly, old black carpet which had stains on it that couldn't be identified by the boy.

He hadn't expected this and to him, it spoke of a lot of trust to leave the door open for him. So maybe this man wasn't so bad after all? Because he trusted Shikamaru to be a polite boy and call when he wanted out of the room.

So maybe he could ask Kabuto if he could have some food? He was really hungry by now and still a bit afraid that if he left the room and wondered about on his own he would be punished.

But the man had said to ask if he wanted to eat.

He worried his lip for a few seconds, contemplating his current issue. The man was acting nice but hadn't been so nice before. So maybe he wanted something from Shikamaru? Or maybe he just didn't understand the man. He was an adult after all.

But his rumbling stomach made making a decision easy and he stood up, shuffling to the door and leaning forward, peeking around the corner.

"Kabuto?" He called out softly and shyly.

The sound of footsteps nearing him reached his ears and excitedly Shikamaru straightened himself.

The white-haired man stood in front of him within a matter of seconds and he squatted down again, smiling. "Yes?" He asked.

Shikamaru turned a bit and then turned back to the man. "Can I have something to eat?"

With a nod Kabuto stood up and extended his hand for Shikamaru to take. "What would you like to eat?" He asked.

A bit hesitantly and shyly Shikamaru took the man's hand and he looked up at Kabuto with a smile. "Anything but eggs."

Kabuto chuckled and raised an eyebrow. "You don't like eggs?" He asked.

"No," Shikamaru said, turning up his nose a bit. "Eggs are icky."

Kabuto chuckled and hand-in-hand he led the boy through a yellow-coloured hall-way.

* * *

When they reached a dark, wooden door they paused and Kabuto pushed it open, revealing a large room. It was lit by a few lights that cast the room in a yellow glow and the only furniture were an enormous bed, a night-stand and a big, plush Bordeaux chair that stood facing the bed. Wall-paper was already flaking from the wall, the flowery pattern unfitting for both the room and its now current occupants.

Shikamaru frowned. "You eat in the bedroom?" He asked while stepping into the room. "We always eat in the kitchen, Mommy says that's what a family does."

But no answer came to his question and the boy turned around to look at Kabuto only to find the door closed with the man leaning against it, his friendly expression gone and a smirk etched on his face.

The boy blinked and cocked his head to the side. " Are you tired?" He inquired softly.

A chuckle sent shivers of fear through the boy's body and he turned around again slowly towards the direction of the noise.

A tall, slim man sat in the chair, unbelievably pale with long black hair and an eerie expression on his face. He watched the boy with a hungry expression and Shikamaru took a step backwards, trying to blink fresh tears away. This man was scary.

"Hello, Shika. I am Orochimaru." The man greeted and he stood from his chair, sauntering to the boy.

He crouched when he stood in front of Shikamaru and stroked the boy's cheek with the back of his hand, licking his lips while watching the movement intently. "We are going to play for a bit."

The brown-haired boy blinked, the tears he tried to hold back falling over his cheeks because of the action. "I-I don't want to play." He whispered.

"Don't worry, you'll have fun." Orochimaru promised, leaning closer to Shikamaru and kissing his cheek, licking the salty tears from the cheeks. "Would you take your shirt off for me?" He asked with a wicked smile.

"No." Shikamaru said, shaking his head. "Mommy says I shouldn't take my clothes off in front of strangers." He defended himself defiantly yet his voice was shaking from fear.

Orochimaru was a man of little patience and thus did not take this well. He grabbed Shikamaru's throat with his large hand and the boy made a chocked sound, crying out in both fright and pain.

"If you don't do it, then I will." The black-haired man hissed and released Shikamaru, the boy losing his balance and falling to the ground.

The moment he hit the floor he rolled himself into a little ball, sobbing and shaking. "Mommy!" He wailed loudly. "I w-want Mommy!"

Orochimaru growled and stood up, stalking towards the bed and snarling: "Up on the bed with him, Kabuto."

* * *

He blinked drowsily, waking from unconsciousness slowly. He raised his small hand and rubbed his eyes but the action caused him to flinch, some parts of his body hurting badly and his limbs aching.

For a second, all emotions seemed to leave his body and afterwards he broke down, big tears rolling down his cheeks and heavy sobs wreaking his already hurting body.

Waking up he had believed he had dreamt badly. That what had happened to him yesterday was a nightmare.

But his hurting body told him what had happened before wasn't a nightmare, that it was real and that this little hell he now found himself in had not ended.

He cried and cried, his tiny frame shaking and his sobbing only added to the hurt but he couldn't help himself, couldn't stop the tears.

After what seemed like hours the tears finally stopped and the boy had calmed down.

He was still afraid, so very afraid Kabuto would come back and take him to Orochimaru again. Because even though he was young, he knew what had happened.

He knew that what Orochimaru had done with him was something only adults were allowed to do yet not this way. Because his mother never sounded hurt when she and his father were lying in bed naked, like Orochimaru had done with him.

And he knew he hadn't been allowed to do that in the first place, because his father had told him only adults did things without their clothes and that he was too young to do it.

It was wrong and forbidden by his father what Orochimaru had done to him and above all, it had hurt so much he shivered from the thought, his knees wobbling slightly.

But he bit his lip and shoved the thought to the back of his mind, telling himself not to think about it and just forget. His mother had told him once he only needed happy memories and this, he decided, was definitely not a happy memory.

He needed to be strong because his knees shouldn't wobble now, because he didn't want to fall to the ground. He was standing in the middle of the room, staring at the door in fear and sometimes he shot looks at the concrete walls surrounding him, afraid they might cave on him and bury him under the stone.

He had tried lying down, but the nubs on his chest hurt when he lay on his belly and when he laid on his back there was a very bad pain to his bottom. So he had tried to lay on his sides but those hurt as well. Kabuto had held him down and had done that so forceful he now had five bruises on each side, one for every finger Kabuto had.

Sitting down hadn't been an option, his bottom hurting after all so now he stood, his lip trembling and his knees wobbling.

Because he was all alone.

He was never alone. There was always someone with him and being alone was alien to him, strange and he didn't like it.

His body hurt and to him it seemed as if the walls were coming closer and closer and he was afraid they would squish him.

It almost made him wish Kabuto would take him from the room again but he shook his head when that thought popped up.

No, he needed to forget about Kabuto, about Orochimaru and about what had happened. It was a bad, bad memory. A memory that hurt and he didn't need it.

And he could do it, he could forget and then, when his body hurt less he could sleep a bit. Because not only was his body hurting, he was so very tired as well.

"_Troublesome."_

His brown eyes widened in fear when a voice echoed through his head. He shook slightly and wanted nothing more than to hide under the cover on the bed. But that would hurt.

"H-hello?" He called out softly, his voice timid and shaking.

No answer came though and after a few more hours his legs gave out and he fell to the floor with a cry, sobs wrecking his weak, small body and wails passing his lips.

It was a few hours later and he lay on his side on the mattress. It hurt but not as much as the other ways he could lie on the mattress and he couldn't stand anymore. He had tried but it had hurt so badly he had fallen to the ground almost immediately.

He was hiccupping softly and he had blown his nose in the blanket because it had started to run due to all the crying.

The small boy didn't know what to feel, what to think and what to wish for anymore. All he knew was that he wanted his mother and father but even he understood that that wasn't going to happen any time soon.

He was all alone, hungry and hurting. He was confused by his own feelings, by how his body hurt and ached while all he had done for the past hours was lie in bed. Because didn't his mother tell him that was the way to get better again?

But he wanted to sleep but didn't dare to, afraid Kabuto might come to take him to Orochimaru again. He didn't want to see the man.

"_I'll watch over you while you sleep."_

His eyes widened in shock and he looked around the room, expecting to see something but met with darkness. "Hello?" He whispered, calling out softly to the unknown person again.

"_I'm here to protect you."_

The voice told him and it washed over him like a comforting blanket.

But after his encounter with Kabuto he was a bit distrustful and he hid himself underneath the blanket again, whispering to the empty room: "Leave me alone."

* * *

With wide eyes he stared at the light-bulb.

It was still flickering but the room was more often cast in darkness then in light.

He knew it had been coming, the light had been flickering from the moment he had been locked inside the room but he feared the moment the light would fade completely nonetheless.

He was afraid of the dark, always had been.

He bit his lip and for the next hour did nothing else but watch the lamp with rising fear. There was nothing else to do inside this room and at least now he was momentarily forgetting about the pain and the memories.

And when he light-bulb flickered again he blinked and watched, peering in the darkness yet not seeing a thing.

When after ten minutes the light still hadn't turned on again he drew his knees closer to his chest, biting his lip a bit harder and he took a deep breath. Maybe in a few minutes the light would turn on again.

But when after five more minutes the room was still basked in darkness Shikamaru whimpered. His lips shook and he grabbed the blanket, drawing if over his head hoping that if he couldn't see the room, whatever might be in the room couldn't see him either.

"_I'm here for you."_

Tears came to his eyes and another whimper passed his lips when that same voice echoed through his head again.

Was someone in the room? Was this person going to hurt him? A lonely tear made its way down his cheek when suddenly he was spoken to again.

"_I won't hurt you."_

That voice sounded so familiar and maybe, Shikamaru thought, maybe this person could help him.

A day later he was still inside the room and it was still dark.

Yesterday the white-haired man Kabuto had brought him some food but he hadn't cared that the light had turned off.

Shikamaru had eaten the bread and drank the water he was given but an hour later he had hurled it all out again, his body weak and sick.

Little as he was he couldn't take things anymore. By now the tears had dried and nothing was left of the happy boy that once housed the body. Emotions were scattered and he tried desperately to forget what had happened in the bedroom with Orochimaru.

"_Troublesome."_

Again that lazy, slightly irritated voice echoed through his mind and he felt safe suddenly, comfortable knowing this person was with him again. Maybe now he could go to sleep without being scared?

"_Let me take care of this."_

The voice sounded the same but carried a gentle and comforting tone. The boy felt drawn to it and hugged the blanket close to his chest. Could he really go to sleep?

"_Go to sleep, I'll take your place. I'll protect you inside this room."_

The voice spread over him like a warm, comfortable blanket and the boy sighed. This person hadn't hurt him yet, had comforted him and even offered help. So why would he sit here, cold, afraid and tired if he could go to sleep and have this person watch over him?

He would just be taking a nap to forget about everything after all.

"Thank you," he whispered and with a happy sigh he closed his eyes. Shikamaru went to sleep, never to be awoken again until many years later.

"Troublesome." The boy murmured and opened his eyes.

He pulled away the blanket and turned to sit with his back against the wall. An almost bored sigh passed the six-year-olds lips and he gazed into the darkness. "If only there were clouds to watch." He said regretfully.

He then closed his eyes and decided that a nap was in order. That way he could pass time as well.

* * *

He was nervous, anxious and the slightest hints of fear were already swirling through his body.

He hadn't offered to do this. All he would protect Shikamaru from was the concrete room since the boy couldn't deal with the silence and memories eating at him.

Because he himself was afraid of what would happen in that bedroom, he couldn't take such treatment and pain either.

But Shikamaru was sleeping so deeply, almost as if he had fallen into a coma and wouldn't wake again.

"Troublesome." He muttered under his breath.

He would have to take Shikamaru's place until the boy woke up again.

He stepped into the bedroom, Orochimaru watching him as he entered, and all the boy could do was pray he himself would take things better then Shikamaru had done. Because if he would break as well, it would mean the end for both of them.

The door was closed, locked so he couldn't run, and Orochimaru stood up from his seated position in the chair, walking to Shikamaru as he had done last time.

But the moment the long, pale fingers touched his skin again Shikamaru shivered and closed his eyes tightly, uttering a begging: "No, please."

But the man didn't listen and removed the white over-sized T-shirt Shikamaru was wearing, revealing tanned skin.

The boy shivered when his naked skin was met with the cold air of the room and he shrunk away from the pale man's touch.

"I don't think so." Orochimaru murmured, his fingers trailing down Shikamaru's chest and he looked up at Kabuto who nodded when their eyes caught.

Shikamaru's arms were gripped and the boy's eyes widened when he couldn't move, restrained by Kabuto's hands and he froze completely when he was pushed closer to Orochimaru.

He couldn't take this, he could handle silence and loneliness but this abuse was too much. He was too calm, too relaxed a personality to fully grasp the reality of what was happening.

Because at six years old it was hard to understand adult situations and even at this tender age Shikamaru knew that a man touching his body was an adult situation.

And when a hot, wet tongue licked trailed up his skin Shikamaru wheezed, tears flowing down his cheeks and his brain was trying to grasp the situation but failing miserably.

Suddenly Orochimaru sighed and stood up. "This isn't working. I want him up the bed again." He said and sauntered towards the bed himself, followed by Kabuto who dragged a motionless Shikamaru with him.

The moment he was laid down onto the bed memories flooded his senses. Memories of what happened the last time and that now he was the one that had to deal with this unknown pain.

He cowered in fear, chanting "no, no, no," over and over again as if it would make the men stop.

But they didn't and Orochimaru sat down on the bed, his hand stroking his cheek while Kabuto sat down by his legs, his hands stroking up his clothed short legs until they reached the top of his pants.

"Take them off." Orochimaru ordered.

Brown eyes widened and something within the boy snapped when his jeans were unbuttoned. His lazy countenance wasn't created for this, he wasn't meant to cope with situations such as these and when his pants were pulled down his legs his mind stopped cooping and he too blacked out, just as Shikamaru himself had done the day before.

Orochimaru blinked when the boy's body went slack for a few seconds. "Kabuto?" He asked, his partner-in-crime a medic that might be able to see what was wrong.

Kabuto leaned closer to the boy's face and studied it, thinking the boy fainted from stress.

But suddenly Shikamaru's eyes shot open again yet the expression in them was different, a fire burned deep inside those eyes that had Kabuto draw back in surprise.

"Shit," he muttered. "We ruined him, Orochimaru."

Orochimaru raised an eyebrow at those words and leaned closer to the boy, his eyes trailing across the slightly darkened skin until they reached Shikamaru's eyes, catching the boy's gaze with his. "He does seem wilder." He said but then chuckled.

"Quite an attractive treat, don't you think Kabuto?" He asked, leaning closer to the boy and his tongue licking a paled cheek.

The eyes flashed and suddenly Orochimaru was hit in the face. Shikamaru, who seemed to have turned into a little devil the way he kicked Kabuto and lashed out at Orochimaru, screamed at the top of his lungs: "Leave Shika alone, leave him alone!"

"Kabuto, sedate the boy!" Orochimaru shouted, grabbing the hands that were trying to hit his face and pinned them down on the bed. "And you," he growled while glaring at the boy and hitting him in the face with his free hand, "shut up!"

"No!" Shikamaru howled. "Don't touch me, leave us alone!"

He rolled his body around on the bed, trying to free himself from his captors hold but failing.

And then Orochimaru lost his calm, ramming his fist into the side of Shikamaru's small face with such force that the boy fainted, everything turning black before his eyes and the crack of his jaw breaking echoed through the suddenly eerily silent room.

* * *

His nose was still bleeding slightly and his jaw ached, it was broken after all.

It was a few hours after he had been beaten into unconsciousness and the dizziness had not left him yet. A sigh passed his lips which had dried up and cracked.

Suddenly the door was thrown open and with a speed he wasn't sure was his own Shikamaru threw himself back into the corner of the room, pulling the blanket over his head and wailing quietly.

"Troublesome, troublesome." He murmured to himself, trying to calm himself down and hoping this time it wouldn't be so bad, this time it wouldn't hurt.

"Shika, darling?" A female voice suddenly called out and the boy froze.

"Shikamaru, son?" A man spoke up and footsteps neared him. "Thank God you're safe."

And then the little boy threw himself into his father's arms, bawling loudly and grasping the strong arms, never wanting to let go again.

That day the police believed they had witnessed a miracle.

Not only had they found the boy, he was still alive. Shikamaru Nara had disappeared almost a week ago and the only thing that seemed wrong with him was his broken jaw.

Later the boy was examined by a therapist to see if his mental-state was still intact. The therapist then discovered that even though the boy was saved, his behaviour was completely different then how it had been before.

The body had been saved but the boy himself, the boy that had housed the body before the kidnapping, was buried deep in his own consciousness, two alters protecting him and allowing the little six-year-old to heal from the trauma he had experienced.

Shikamaru Nara, six years old, survived a kidnapping but had to create two alternates to save himself.

**TBC.**

**Note:** Let me know what you thought of it! Feedback is always very much appreciated 3


	2. Chapter 1

**Note:** With this story I do not attempt to explain what exactly Dissociative Identity Disorder is, how it is treated and how one lives with it. Furthermore, while I researched the illness I did turn some facts around a bit to have them fit my story.  
Also: I don't own Naruto

**Chapter One**

_Ten years later_

"Shikamaru Nara, you get your lazy ass down here! If you even dare to think about missing your appointment with doctor Tsunade I'll make every single living day of your life hell, young man."

A voice so loud and screeching it would reach alien worlds outside of the atmosphere resounded through the entire house and the sound broke the silence.

With a huff Yoshino Nara shook her head and quickly made her way upstairs. "Don't you dare pretend to be sleeping." She grumbled.

Without a pause, without a sound of warning she threw open her son's bedroom door, the sound of the door hitting the wall sounding through the entire house.

When she stepped inside and saw her son lying on his bed with a pillow shoved over his head her lips set in a thin line and she placed her hands on her hips.

"Shikamaru Nara!" She said, her voice loud and angry. "For once in your life..." She shook her head.

"I'm asleep." Came the muffled reply from the bed.

"Like hell you are!" Within three strides Yoshino stood next to her son's bed and without a shred of mercy she pulled the comforter the teen was hiding under off of the bed.

"Mom," the brown-haired youth on the bed groaned and shivered from the sadden lack of warmth.

"Shikamaru, for God's sake. This is your last appointment with Tsunade before we move. At least pretend to care." Yoshino scolded with a scowl on her face.

With a yawn Shikamaru pushed himself into a sitting position, scratching the side of his head with a bored expression on his features. "Pretend, mom? What's the use?"

"Fine, be that way." Yoshino spat and turned on her heels.

But before she left the room she turned to watch her son with a serious expression. "Just know that I decide whether or not Chouji and Ino get to spend summer-break at our new house."

Shikamaru's eyes widened slightly and he watched in silence as his mother left.

"Agh, troublesome." He sighed heavily and grumbling he got out of bed to get dressed.

* * *

With a bored expression set on his features, which was usual for the sixteen year old, Shikamaru laid on the dark-blue divan.

A sigh passed his lips and he turned his head to watch his psychiatrist do some last-minute paper-work, wondering if this was why he had to hurry so much just an hour ago.

Tsunade, a thirty-something blonde woman with too big breasts, had been Shikamaru's psychiatrist ever since his abduction and even though it had taken both her and another psychiatrist they had done wonders with the then heavily traumatized boy.

Shocked she had been when she heard of a boy aged six in such a mental state and even more aghast when finding out it was a boy from the Nara family, living in the same village as herself.

Knowing that treating Dissociative Identity Disorder was hard to begin with – not even thinking about the boy's age – she had called in the help of Asuma Sarutobi. He was a psychiatrist focussing on hypnotherapy, which she practiced as well, and she knew him through her father.

Together they had unravelled Shikamaru's two alternate personalities with the help of hypnosis. They had gotten so far that the personalities worked together in perfect sync and understood that whatever they did affected the body that housed them too and thus should be done in the best interest of them all.

By now, Asuma had moved and had his own practice in Konoha-village and treatment wasn't as intensive as it had been before.

Sessions between Tsunade and Shikamaru were mostly spent trying to recall black-outs and the cause of them. Because when the alternates within Shikamaru switched, the other suffered a black-out during the time he wasn't the one controlling the body. What triggered the switch and what had happened during it were the two main things that needed to be found out. Because both explained how Shikamaru's brain worked and what was seen as a threat and what wasn't.

Stress was usually a trigger for Shikamaru, Tsunade had found out, as well as sudden anger or extreme anxiety.

With that knowledge Shikamaru knew which situations to avoid so that he wouldn't trigger an unwanted and sudden switch.

Yet not all situations could be avoided or prevented so Tsunade had taught Shikamaru how to perform self-hypnosis. The self-induced hypnosis helped Shikamaru to enter a state of relaxation which was still evident in his body when he woke up from the trance thus resulting in the calmest of his personalities taking control.

Yet performing self-hypnosis came with the warning he was to do that only when completely necessary and in company of persons that knew about his mental illness in case things went south. Having someone around that knew he was able to perform self-hypnosis and the reason why he would be doing it could prove critical in such moments. Yet so far, no such situation had occurred for which both Tsunade and Shikamaru himself were grateful.

The downside to everything was though that no matter how many times Tsunade spoke with Shikamaru while he was under hypnosis, she had never once met his first and original personality. The one that was traumatized the most and thus still needed help. It was frustrating that she couldn't completely help the boy yet there was nothing to be done. All she could do was hope that everything would turn out to be all right.

And with a removal to Konoha-village just a day away she had to admit to being slightly anxious for Shikamaru's well-being.

"Are you going to take all day?"

By now Shikamaru had sat up and was watching Tsunade with a frown on his features. He knew today's session was more of a goodbye than anything else but that didn't mean he had all day to do it.

The blonde looked up from her paper-work, scolding him in a way only she could and never failed to do. "Shut up, brat. These are your files I'm working on."

A frown settled on Shikamaru's face at those words and he leaned his head to the side. "My files?" He informed.

Tsunade snorted and put down the file she was holding in her hands. "You're moving, I need to complete the files so your new psychiatrist will know what I did with you."

"But Asuma will be taking me, he knows." Shikamaru countered.

With a sigh the blonde shook her head. "Regulations." She muttered darkly before turning back to the file. "Nervous about the move?" She asked softly.

With a sigh Shikamaru flopped himself down onto the divan again, looking at the ceiling and shrugging his shoulders. "A bit." He admitted. "Not the move itself but going to a new school."

He was going to enter a complete new world in Konoha-village. His entire life he'd lived in the same town, with the same people and everyone knew about his abduction as a child. At school when he switched alters it was seen as memories flooding back again and he wasn't punished for rude behaviour as other kids were.

He was damaged goods after all.

It had provided him with a safe environment in which everyone knew of his past and everyone would do anything to help him if he ever needed help although it had taken a while for the community to get that far. He'd never really stood on his own two feet, had never met someone who didn't know about his abduction and the possible trauma he now lived with.

And even though it was a relief he didn't have to hide his mental illness, it was also frustrating to always be treated as if he was different. And then there were the people that did know about his mental condition and wouldn't cease to call him names.

Moving to Konoha-village meant he would be surrounded by strangers, no-one treating him different or calling him names and he knew he would have a hard time at school if he were teased or other such things.

But his parents had decided, in consultation with Tsunade and with Shikamaru's approval, that if Shikamaru ever wanted to live his life to the fullest they needed to move away from the home-town he grew up in.

"It's bound to be hard on you." Tsunade said. She pushed her chair away from the desk and walked over to Shikamaru and sat down on the easy-chair which stood next to the divan.

She crossed her legs and studied Shikamaru, who was visibly nervous and obviously curious to hear what she would say next.

"But I think after all the treatment you've had and with the ability to perform self-hypnosis you will be fine." She said encouragingly.

Of course there would be hardships and moments during which he switched without having control about it but it was also true that both alters acted in the best interest of them all.

A sigh passed Shikamaru's lips and he shook his head. "I've never actually preformed self-hypnosis without you present." And if he were honest he had to admit to being nervous to actually trying it.

Granted, he knew exactly when he needed to perform it but that didn't mean he'd actually succeed. And then there was the thing that he didn't see all switches coming. Some he did, when he was slowly getting agitated or something of that sort. And he also knew that when that agitation reached a certain level he needed to perform self-hypnosis. This so his body and mind entered a state of complete relaxation which would prevent the switch.

"You are merely nervous because you are entering a completely new situation." Tsunade stated calmly and afterwards leaned her head to the side with a small smile. "But you forget that thus far you have never had immediate trouble with a switch while you have had several. The nervousness is normal, Shikamaru. It is what everyone feels when running into something unknown. But I also want you to keep reminding yourself that this situation is no different from what you have done at your old school. I want you to know that I have faith in the fact that you will do just fine. Will you believe that too?"

Shikamaru frowned, looking at his hands which were nervously fumbling with his shirt in his lap. "Troublesome..." he muttered.

"You don't like promising things, do you?" Tsunade asked suddenly.

Hazel eyes watched the blonde cautiously before another sigh passed thin lips. "Not when I know I don't believe them."

"You will, Shikamaru." Tsunade said. "Trust me, you will do fine. Have faith in yourself."

* * *

Boxes scattered the lawn, furniture was carried into a moving-van by two movers and on the side-walk stood three teenagers, watching silently and all with somewhat sad and disappointed expressions on their faces.

"I can't believe this," one said mournfully, his chubby hands clenching the bag of chips he had brought with him yet didn't feel like eating. Chouji Akimichi simply couldn't believe his best friend was moving to almost the other side of the country. They'd been together for so many years, Shikamaru the only one who hadn't teased him when they were younger and now he would see him only in vacations. If the Nara didn't find himself a new group of friends he'd rather spend time with, of course.

A soft sigh then passed lip-glossed lips. "I might even miss you." Was said softly, sadly and they all knew that Ino Yamanaka meant to say she was going to miss hanging out with Shikamaru a lot. He'd been the only boy she hadn't ever tried to get to like her yet he was the only one so far who stuck with her, no matter what. And she just hoped he wouldn't find himself a girlfriend in Konoha-village, because guys didn't have girlfriends and female friends. They had one or the other and she hoped she would always be the other.

"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered softly. Because truly, even though moving was the best option for his future, it sucked.

The three of them had been friends ever since they were born since their parents were also friends. Never before had they actually lived in separate places and all three were anxious what this separation would do to their friendship.

Suddenly Ino forced a smile on her lips and she turned around so she was facing her two friends. "I'm not going to miss that complaining of yours, that's for sure." She tried to joke yet her expression looked wry.

"I will," Chouji muttered, shuffling his feet.

Ino sighed and looked to the ground sadly while Shikamaru bit his lip, looking up when he heard his father walk towards them.

"Who died?" Shikaku joked, a grin on his lips while studying his son and his two friends. Yet when he received no answer he said: "Come on, you're still going to see each other in vacations. Considering you're still in school that's going to be a lot. And then there's the phone and those instant messaging things you do."

Crossing her arms in front of her chest Ino huffed. "It's not the same."

A soft sigh passed Shikaku's lips and he shook his head. "It isn't, but you all know why we move." He said and all three youngsters in front of him nodded, albeit reluctantly. "So go, scat, get some ice-cream. Troublesome kids, you're only standing in our way." He said and waved the three off.

* * *

Silently they ate their ice-cream.

The scene was so different from what it used to be. Usually there was some teasing banter going on between Chouji and Ino and Shikamaru would throw in a snide remark. Then Chouji would have to step in to keep Ino from attacking Shikamaru because he had somehow offended her.

Chouji had sat down on a bench in front of the swings and Shikamaru sat next to him, his feet on the bench while he sat down on the table.

Both watched as Ino's feet dragged across the ground while she sat on the swing, a sad expression on her face.

"Hey, Shika?" She called out softly and licked her lips. "If you find a girlfriend..." She started, but trailed off insecurely.

"I won't." Shikamaru reassured her with the smallest of smiles gracing his lips. He knew Ino cared about him, as he did for her but it was rare they showed it.

It was different with Chouji. He always told Shikamaru what a great friend he was and he never complained when Ino was ranting about some boy again. It was Chouji's way of showing them he cared but with Shikamaru and Ino, if someone didn't know they were friends they'd never guess.

It was constant banter, crude remarks and complaining from both sides although if he were totally honest he'd have to admit he was grateful for these moments too.

"But," Ino said hesitantly, "that's bound to happen." She muttered softly.

"Ino," Shikamaru said, shaking his head. "Trust me. It won't happen."

Besides him, Chouji chuckled yet Ino wasn't that pleased with such a reaction.

"Well," she stated, slightly offended, "you might think it's troublesome now but you'll fall in love."

"Yeah, I will." Shikamaru agreed with a grin.

Ino blinked and leaned her head to the side with a frown, her long blonde hair falling over her shoulder and pooling in her lap. "Then..." She whispered to herself, knowing she wouldn't get a straight answer out of Shikamaru yet reluctant to give up and not know what her friend was talking about.

"He might get a boyfriend, though." Chouji said gleefully, taking pity on Ino.

A gasp passed Ino's lips and her head shot up, shocked eyes staring at her brown-haired friend in shock. "You're gay?" She asked, although it was more a demand than anything else.

Shikamaru nodded, confirming that yes indeed he was gay. He didn't think Ino would mind too much yet he still felt nervous jitters. Although they were less evident than they had been when he'd told his parents about his preferences. Gods, he'd been so nervous back then he'd been afraid of switching.

It took Ino a mere heartbeat before she regained her composure again and grinned. "Okay, cool. We can gossip about boys sometime..." She trailed off and looked down. "In vacations, you know." She added softly, sadly.

A sigh passed Chouji's lips and Shikamaru's expression fell, a gloomy air falling around the three teens as they sat in silence again, all sunk in their own thoughts.

Yet suddenly Ino perked up and pointed her strawberry flavoured ice-cream at Shikamaru accusingly. Her eyes flashed as they usually did when left out on something and she demanded: "How come Chouji knew and I didn't?"

Chouji blinked and chuckled and Shikamaru's eyes widened, turning to his chubby friend and shaking his head. "No," he hissed. "Lie, if you must."

"Hey!" Ino called out, jumping up from the swing and within a few strides she stood next to the Nara, smacking him on the back of the head. "No lying, I want the truth!" She turned to Chouji and smiled. "Please?"

"Ah– I..." Chouji hesitated, his gaze flickering from Ino to Shikamaru who was glaring daggers at him which promised torture when spilling.

"You can have my ice-cream," Ino offered, only to be shoved in the side by Shikamaru.

"It's nothing." The Nara muttered, his glare now directed at Ino.

"Uh-huh, and I'm Lady Gaga." The blonde snorted.

Shikamaru turned his head to the side and smirked. "Well, with that hair of yours."

"Shut up!" Ino scolded, turning to Chouji with her hands placed on her hips. Never a good thing, both Chouji and Shikamaru knew. "He's moving so you're stuck with me from today on! Choose wisely, Chouji."

Chouji blinked and when he turned to Shikamaru, an apologetic expression on his face Ino cheered in triumph.

"Sorry, Shika." Chouji said with a shrug. "Ino's scary when she's mad."

"Wimp," Ino snorted.

"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered and turned his head with a huff. "See if you two get to visit during Christmas-break."

Ino giggled at that. "We'll have your mother blackmail you." She stated before turning back to Chouji. "Now come on, how do you know? Did he tell you?"

Chouji's lips quirked up in an amusement and he shook his head. "As if he'd do that." He said, almost teasingly yet there was a serious undertone to his words that had Shikamaru turn his head away.

Because even though the three of them were inseparable they didn't tell each other everything. Rather, Shikamaru didn't share everything.

Not because he didn't want to, but because the aftermaths of his kidnapping and the early stages of his DID had driven people away. People who the young boy had trusted, had thought were friends and had loved with as much abandon as a six-year-old could.

Teachers had shoved him around classes, claiming he was too wild. And he was, for he didn't have his DID under control yet, didn't know how to handle things and thus he switched more often. Yet patience and love were the only things Shikamaru had needed and which most children and some adults hadn't given him. A thing that to anyone – not only a six-year-old – hurt.

It had put a big dent in Shikamaru's ability to trust and because of the fear of personal issues destroying another relationship he held back. By now, it had become more of an unconscious thing rather than something Shikamaru actively thought about. It had become almost automatic to him not to tell things – such as him being gay – to people. Even if they were the two only friends who had stuck with him no matter what.

It was also something both Ino and Chouji knew and respected. Though there was always the lingering hope that one day Shikamaru would be able to fully open up, if not to them then to his partner. Because, after all that he'd been through, it was what Shikamaru deserved in their eyes. A life, a friendship and a relationship without secrets in which he could be himself and was accepted for that.

Suddenly, when an exaggerated sigh passed Ino's lips and as she threw one of her hands into the air Shikamaru was shaken from his thoughts.

"C'mon Chouji," The blonde whined and sneaked a glance at Shikamaru who, when he caught her baby-blue eyes, turned away stubbornly.

"Okay, okay," Chouji snickered, holding up both his hands while shoving himself across the bench, away from Shikamaru and his foot which was trying to kick him.

With the widest of grins the Akimichi said: "I caught him making out."

"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered and turned his head away in embarrassment, the smallest of blushes appearing on his cheeks.

Meanwhile Ino giggled, curiously peeking at Shikamaru whose blush deepened under her questioning gaze. "Sexy," she then said, stunning both her friends with her choice of words. A smirk then appeared on her lips and teasingly, although hints of curiosity still seeped into her voice, she asked: "With who?"

Shikamaru choked on his breath, the question taking him by surprise, and Chouji laughed at his friend's reaction.

"Should've seen that coming." Chouji rallied and when Shikamaru muttered "troublesome" under his breath the Akimichi chuckled.

With a grin playing on her lips Ino rolled her eyes. "Share, boys. Information has to be shared!" She hurried them impatiently.

Chouji, about to tell Ino who exactly he'd seen kissing Shikamaru was shoved in the side by said Nara.

"It wasn't even making-out." Shikamaru said, the embarrassed blush still evident on his cheeks. "More like a single kiss to the lips."

Because, if had turned out to be more than that, Shikamaru wasn't sure how he would have reacted. He knew that by now he would have perfect control over his emotions and mind yet two years ago that could have been a completely different case.

"I don't care even if it was a peck on the nose," Ino said and waved her had around in the air. "Just tell me who it is."

Chouji shot Shikamaru a glance and shoved himself away from his friend on the bench with a playful twinkling in his eyes. "Well –" he started but was interrupted when Shikamaru hissed: "Don't you dare!"

"He does dare!" Ino called out, glaring at Chouji. "Come on, Chouji!"

In the end, Chouji gave in, earning himself a joyful squeal from Ino and a glare from Shikamaru.

But the Nara didn't mind that Ino knew. Didn't care that she'd be teasing him for years to come and would chew him out later, probably over the phone, for not telling him sooner.

Because when he stepped into the car he was grateful for that last banter before he moved. Glad that while now he was biting his lips since he refused to cry – unlike Ino and even Chouji had tears in his eyes – an hour earlier he had joked around with both of his friends.

Because now he would enter a complete new life and he was quite certain that the moment his father drove off, it would be some time before he would joke around again.

* * *

The classroom was dull, your usual blackboard to one wall, posters hanging onto the wall on the other side of the rectangular room and desks placed in neat lines between them. Students either sat or lolled in their seats, most of them looking relatively bored while others were actually quite interested in finding out who their new classmate was.

Shikamaru, though, was trying his best not to actually look at any of the students in fear of getting even more nervous than he already was.

So instead of nervously smiling at his fellow classmates, he was studying the world-map that hung on the back-wall of the classroom. He'd already studied the motivational poster with the text 'take no challenge lightly-strive for excellence' written in white, curved letters above the picture of a lion staring threateningly at whoever was watching while stepping into a puddle of water.

The fleeting thought that motivational posters didn't truly motivate anyone had crossed his mind but he had refrained from diving deeper into that thought. It wasn't worth his time and besides, he still needed to pay attention to what his new teacher – Iruka Umino – was telling the class in case he asked Shikamaru a question.

So he had settled his gaze on the world-map. He knew it by heart, as he did most things he could read from books. For his DID didn't take the fact away he could be considered a genius. His laziness, though, prevented him from actually doing something with his knowledge and no-one had the heart to change that. Probably fearing he wouldn't be taking the changes too well.

And if he were honest he'd say he didn't mind. He liked to keep things simple and easy-going for himself. It a wall that he used to protect himself, almost like the blankie he'd carried around when he was four. It had been a stuffed, orange-yellow striped cat which he'd called Tigo and his mom had sewed the poor cat's tail on at least a dozen times since the stitches came loose time and time again.

"Shikamaru?"

The teen startled from his thoughts as Iruka, who stood next to him, called out his name. He peeked up almost curiously at his teacher and cocked his head to the side. "Yes?"

The brown-haired man smiled down at his new student and held out his hand to the class, proposing: "Why don't you tell the class something about yourself?"

"Oh," anxiously Shikamaru turned to watch the class in front of him. All students had by now turned to watch him and waited for a short introduction. He wondered briefly why, at the age of sixteen, he still needed to go through all this trouble and introduce himself while it was obvious that the people that wanted to know would ask him themselves. In his opinion, he had nothing to tell. Because he was damned certain he wasn't going to tell anyone about his abduction.

He allowed his gaze to drift over the heads of his new classmates, only seeing the top of their heads and it helped him calm down some.

He didn't like to be the centre of attention and he definitely didn't like speaking in public. The fact twenty-three students and a teacher were now intently watching him, waiting for him to come up with the most amazing things about himself that would get him top-rated on the popular-kids-list right away, was getting to him.

He felt it, the nervousness swirling around in his body and slowly clouding his brain. His hands felt damp as he clenched them into fists behind his back and he suppressed a shiver from running down his back.

He knew it was bad, knew he'd switch if he didn't calm himself down or get this over with quickly. Switching in this situation would be more like a defense, a thing preventing him from making a fool out of himself.

But Shikamaru knew that such a thing was – crudely put – bullshit. Because if he were to switch his wilder, less controllable personality would take care of the situation. And then, instead of coming across as a lazy bum with an uncaring attitude he would seem like a rude bastard with a foul mouth.

Behind his back, his hands clenched together even tighter and this time he couldn't suppress the nervous shiver that ran through his entire body.

Get this over with quickly, he told himself. That was all he needed to do. And quickly was –

"Shikamaru?"

Iruka's questioning voice broke the Nara out of his almost trance-like state and the teenager blinked.

He raised his eyes again and took a calming, deep breath. This, he told himself, would be a piece of cake. Besides sharing his name, age and birthday there wasn't much relevant information and if he just worked up the courage he'd be seated within a time-span of two minutes.

With his facts straight and his mind set Shikamaru pushed his hands into the pockets of his pants and allowed his shoulders to fall into their usual, uninterested slump.

"Yeah, sorry." He said, glancing at Iruka quickly before turning his eyes back to the class, his usual lazy-attitude back in place.

"Hi," he drawled. "I'm Shikamaru Nara, sixteen and my birthday is September 22."

When he stopped talking most of the students watched him with owlish eyes while Iruka turned to him.

"Is that everything you want to tell the class?" The teacher asked, surprised.

"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered under his breath, wishing the other man would just see that he wasn't comfortable where he was. "If there's more they should ask." He said, turning his eyes to watch Iruka.

The teacher blinked and then shrugged. "All right." He agreed and then pointed to an empty desk next to the window. "There's your seat."

Perfect, Shikamaru decided. He could look outside and watch clouds even as he attended class.

With a small grin crossing his lips he slowly made his way to the desk appointed to him and from behind him Iruka called out to the class: "Guys, be nice, okay?"

With soft murmurs the class agreed yet Shikamaru didn't believe a word of what was said.

They'd tease him if they wanted to. Call him names if he did something stupid and when they would find out he was gay he would be shunned by some.

And it was just what he hoped for. A normal life even though he wasn't too sure how he would handle that.

He threw his bag onto his desk and with a loud sigh sat onto his seat, immediately slumping against the back.

He hated the fact that some girls giggled as he passed and wanted to roll his eyes at the fact a few guys glared at him for receiving said giggles. Couldn't they see he wasn't interested in them?

Beside him, someone cleared his throat and with a raised eyebrow the Nara turned his head. He leaned his head to the side a bit when he caught sight of the guy sitting at the desk next to him, appreciating the pale skin and long, chocolate-colored hair yet not allowing his eyes to stray.

Although looking up in those opalescent eyes wasn't the smartest of moves either. They were intriguing, he thought. But not intriguing enough to cross a line and ask something as personal as how the teen got the eye-color. For all he knew, the guy could be wearing contacts.

"Yes?" He asked, his tone lazy and he stretched his legs in front of him.

The long haired teen chuckled and shook his head. "Nothing. Just wanted to introduce myself."

Shikamaru nodded and extended his hand to the other teen. "Well, you already know my name." He said with a grin.

"That I do." The other replied and took Shikamaru's hand in his. "I'm Neji Hyuuga." He said, his voice smooth and Shikamaru suppressed a shiver when his hand was released.

"Pleasure to meet you." Neji said with a nod. "Welcome to Konoha-village."

**TBC.**


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto

**Chapter two**

Kissing is a simple yet tender and loving action and the meanings behind a kiss differ depending on who it is you share the kiss with. But whoever a kiss is shared with, its meaning is and always has been meant to be a pleasurable one.

Shikamaru, in his seventeen years, had already had his share of different kinds of kisses and not all were as pleasurable as they were meant to be.

There were the kisses his mother gave him. Which were enjoyable when he was four and going to bed but at eleven or twelve all like towards those kind of kisses had disappeared and it had never returned. It was the same story for the kisses his other family members gave him, most of all his grandmother. He had never liked those kisses, though, and he was certain he never would.

And then there was his first kiss with a girl. He had been nine and it had been a surprise-attack on the middle of the playground and chaos hand ensued. The girl had blushed, Ino screeched Shikamaru was her friend and only hers and the rest of playground watched, the older ones laughing and the little kids murmuring in stunned, hushed voices.

Things got worse when he told the poor pig-tailed blonde who had the guts to kiss him he didn't like girls. That he didn't like how soft they were and how they smelled and now he also knew that he didn't like them kissing him. She burst out crying, Ino was pissed with him the rest of the day and Shikamaru was merely confused as to what exactly he had done wrong.

That hadn't been a good memory but nonetheless better than his next kiss.

Although he refused to call that a kiss and his memories were hazy and always accompanied with a lot of pain. Orochimaru, as could be expected, had left his mark so deep that the memory of it could never be removed. But when he didn't give into the thoughts too much the man was a mere painful memory rather than a constant reminder of what had happened to Shikamaru.

Things got better when he had been kissed by a boy for the first time. Although he had to admit that at the age of fifteen kissing was quite the adventure and certainly considering Shikamaru's experience with intimacy didn't go further than the time he had spent with Orochimaru.

But after pulling away in sheer panic and realizing it wasn't Orochimaru forcing him but Haku blushing shyly and stuttering apologies, his own nerves caused by anxiety had been quick to disappear.

After that their kiss had gotten slightly out of hand with tongues rubbing against each other, hands wandering clothed bodies and excitement swirling through Shikamaru in a way that made him slightly nervous.

Although before Shikamaru could find out whether or not the nerves were good Chouji walked in, gasping at the sight before excusing himself from the room.

The damage had been done, the mood was gone and Haku had awkwardly told Shikamaru he thought he wasn't in love with the brown-haired young man after all.

It had hurt, a bit, but Shikamaru hadn't truly loved Haku either. They'd been dating and that was that.

After that dating hadn't had top-priority in his life. The move to Konoha-village had ensured that.

Yet now, with Neji on his couch and his heart pouding even worse than when he had been with Haku Shikamaru was certain his priorities had changed.

Neji, Shikamaru had been quick to find out, was not your average teen doing the things any normal teen would do. Things usually involving loud music, alcohol and the occasional naked body.

Neji was a reserved person who had been raised in quite sheltered surroundings. It made him come across as aloof yet that was a countenance one got through quite easily.

Simply respecting Neji, showing an interest in both his likes and dislikes and not asking about things the long-haired youth obviously did not want to talk about were enough to gain Neji's friendship.

Neji was the perfect friend for Shikamaru, at least that was what he thought himself. Because they could silently sit together and do nothing, play games such as chess, because Neji was quite smart, and the best of all things was that Neji respected boundaries. He didn't ask for things when the information wasn't handed to him voluntarily and it made it easier for Shikamaru to hang out with Neji.

He didn't always need to worry about questions being asked about certain quirks and routines.

Another pre of being friends with Neji was that the other indeed did not attend many parties. It was a relief to Shikamaru for dealing with a lot of teenagers in a room with the presence of booze was nerve-wrecking and most of the time no fun.

He would be too busy containing his nerves and staying out of trouble that having fun was never a priority. Besides, it always made people think he was a goody-two-shoes. Which he wasn't, but he just couldn't deal with certain situations without suffering unfortunate consequences.

"Here's your tea."

Shikamaru looked up and smiled gratefully as Neji handed him a hot cup of tea. "Thanks," he murmured and watched as his friend sat down at the other side of the low table with a chess-board on it.

They did that often when together, playing strategic board games such as chess and even shogi.

It was always a challange since while Shikamaru was considered a genius Neji was a prodigy, picking up information at the speed of lightning and always striving to be the best. Not because he wanted to be the best at everything he did, but because that was what his family expected of him and they accepted nothing less than perfect from Neji.

Neji had told him about his family and how he enjoyed playing games with Shikamaru. How it helped him relax and get away from the pressure put on him if only shortly.

Shikamaru knew Neji's family-life was far from the happy one most people had going on. His friend had told him about his family in confidence not too long ago. He had appreciated that – still did – and was above all glad he could be the person Neji could talk to when wanting to vent, if only a bit. Because in general Neji kept his problems and worries to himself.

And since they both trusted and respected each other and enjoyed doing the same things in general their friendship had grown. Sometimes another of Neji's friends, Sasuke, would join them but Shikamaru didn't mind.

Sasuke was equally private as Neji and didn't talk about his own interests or life at all. It was easy to see why Sasuke and Neji got along.

Sasuke's friend Naruto was a completely different story though.

Shikamaru knew that Neji tolerated the boy rather than agreed on the two of them being friends and he tolerated him for Sasuke's sake. Because Naruto was wild, rude and talked all the time and it got on Shikamaru's nerves. Sometimes the young man got too close, offered Shikamaru things that made him want to switch and say: 'Yes, let's go for a joyride.'

But Neji had noticed that he felt uncomfortable around Naruto. And every time Sasuke's friend was over Neji would steer Shikamaru away and offer to play a game of chess.

It were things that made Shikamaru respect Neji even more, like him more because the other was always so considerate. And he could have expected that somewhere along the way he would fall for Neji as well. But the moment he realized it, it still came as a shock.

It was understandable because besides being smart and quite enjoyable to be around Neji was quite the gorgeous young man as well. Even a person who favoured women would agree with that. The long, dark-brown hair was always well groomed and Shikamaru often wondered if it would feel as soft sifting through his fingers as it looked flowing down Neji's back. It was the young man's best feature, or so Shikamaru thought.

Yet all the reasons he could come up with why it was sensible and actually smart to have fallen in love with Neji did not result in his friend returning those feelings. So he resulted to one of his least attractive personality quirks and told no-one of his feelings.

Because in his opinion being a coward with hopes and delusions was better than being a rejected fool with a broken heart.

"You know," he suddenly said, raising his eyes to watch Neji. "I think there's only one or two moves you can make without me catching your King." He pointed out with a smug look and he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Afraid of losing, Shikamaru?" Neji asked, glancing up at his friend with a faint, amused smile on his lips.

"Very," Shikamaru answered, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

He wasn't afraid of losing. His genius mind provided him with enough ways to win a game so losing just didn't happen to him. But that didn't mean Neji wasn't a good opponent. In fact, Neji was one of the few people that made him put some effort into the game he was playing.

Neji sighed then, leaning back from the board on the table and he watched Shikamaru with a raised eyebrow. "Is the game boring you?" He asked.

Although before Shikamaru could answer the long-haired man had placed his elbows onto the small table and his look had shifted into one of mischief, a total unfitting expression for the other man. "We could raise the stakes." He murmured.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at Neji's sudden change in mood and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Whenever Neji would do something Shikamaru deemed out of character his brain started playing tricks on him. Telling him that Neji might return his feelings, that maybe the young man was flirting with him.

Shikamaru had long ago stopped believing his brain when it came to matters of the heart. Usually, when feelings were involved it was better to trust your instinct and intuition. Shikamaru had found that when thinking about emotions and what they could possibly mean usually resulted in over-analyzing a situation. And to him, over-analyzing meant misreading emotions and that resulted in taking the wrong course of action.

So rather than react the way his brain told him to, to flirt and just damn his friendship with Neji to hell, he leaned his head to the side and nonchalantly asked: "Raise the stakes? I didn't realize we were playing for a price."

Neji chuckled at the question. "We weren't and you know it." He pointed out. "But why not change that? It could turn out to be fun."

Shikamaru blinked. Neji using the word fun? Well, he decided, his friend was definitely up to something.

"Fun, Neji?" He asked, a smirk on his lips. "Naruto will have a heart-attack if he hears you say that." He teased, his eyes never leaving Neji's face for he wanted to see how the other reacted.

A flash of annoyance was visible in Neji's eyes yet it was gone as soon as it came and the young man shook his head with a snort. "You should be relieved I don't perceive fun the same way as Naruto does."

Shikamaru chuckled. Neji was right but the other knew that as well. Naruto's idea of fun was doing crazy things that usually meant breaking rules. And while Shikamaru himself was no angel, breaking rules was disastrous for his tranquillity of mind. For anyone else that wouldn't be too much of a problem but for Shikamaru there was always the chance he'd switch and he tried to avoid that the best he could. Nothing very bad had happened while switching up until now but it was better to not be in a situation where something bad could actually happen.

"I'm relieved you're not anything like Naruto, Neji. I like you just fine the way you are." Shikamaru said with an amused twinkle in his eyes.

"Do you?" Neji asked, cocking his head to the side and smirking at his friend in such a way that Shikamaru knew he was in trouble. "And what exactly do you like about me?" He asked, watching Shikamaru almost intently although his tone was obviously meant to be teasing.

Shikamaru regarded his long-haired friend with his signature lazy expression even though on the inside he was ready to freak out.

Neji wasn't prone to teasing. In fact, the only person Shikamaru had seen his friend tease was his little cousin. So for the long-haired man to tease him all of a sudden was doing strange things to his mind. Neji was his friend and he was quite sure also a friend that wouldn't flirt with him. But the teasing question made Shikamaru think otherwise even though he knew he was getting his hopes up without having a real reason to.

Rather than letting Neji realize what he was actually thinking, he huffed. "Well, your cockiness is remarkable to say the least." He said with a small smirk.

Neji chuckled and brushed a few strands of hair behind his ear while shaking his head slightly. "I'm sure you can do better." He pointed out with a smirk of his own.

Taken aback by Neji's words Shikamaru blinked. "I'm sure I can," he said with a small frown. "But why would you want me to?"

He regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. He shouldn't really be asking for that kind of information. He would only turn out to be disappointed in the end.

Neji shook his head with a small snort. "Why would anyone want to, Shikamaru?" He retorted.

Shikamaru frowned. While the answer was something he would describe as typically Neji it did seem different for some reason. Maybe it was the look that crossed the other's features, the seriousness that had settled on Neji's pale face. Considering the situation and their playful banter, it seemed completely out of place.

But Shikamaru didn't dare to consider what Neji might be feeling and thinking to look so serious in what was meant to be a casual and light-hearted situation. Because he was frightened his mind might lead him astray, fool him with thoughts and ideas which could never be true.

Because what were the odds that Neji was interested in him? And even if his friend returned his feelings, would Neji truly put their friendship on the line and flirt with him? Shikamaru didn't think so, but that left the question what was Neji aiming for with his probing. What did the other want to know.

"I don't know, Neji." He finally admitted with a soft sigh.

There weren't many times when Shikamaru was left not knowing what to do in a situation and if he were honest he'd admit he didn't like it one bit. It made him uncertain and nervous and if there was one thing he hated it was feeling nervous.

Because feeling nervous meant he wasn't in control of a situation anymore, that he wasn't sure what would happen and what the person facing him would do. And even though he trusted Neji in situations such as these, when he was getting more nervous by the second, he just wasn't sure about anything.

He frowned, though, when Neji huffed and shook his head with an amused grin playing on his lips. It was an attractive sight but Shikamaru wasn't certain what to feel because of it.

The way Neji switched between being amused, serious and then teasing was confusing to say the least and when he spoke, rolling his eyes, that feeling only got worse.

"And they say you're supposed to be smart." Neji's teased, his lips curling up into a smirk which annoyed Shikamaru.

It almost felt as if Neji was mocking him rather than teasing and Shikamaru didn't like that one bit. "Well then explain yourself." He demanded a bit angrily.

When Neji sighed, obviously irritated by his words, Shikamaru pressed his lips together while waiting for his friend to reply.

Suddenly Neji reached out to grab the front of his shirt and pulled him half-way over the chessboard while the long-haired man leaned over the board himself as well. Shikamaru gasped, his eyes widening in shock. And when he felt slightly chapped lips press tightly against his own, a hand tugging at the tie holding his hair together, all he could do was sit completely still in shock as his brain short-circuited.

Because the second Neji's lips touched his, his mind flew back to the few times he'd been kissed and his first reaction was to panic. Orochimaru's words crowded his mind and the feeling of the kidnapper's hands on his body clouded the pleasurable feeling of Neji's lips on his.

His eyes widened in panic, his wilder personality was mentally screaming at him to pull away and a shiver run down his spine, draining all warmth from his body.

He _knew_ he was being kissed by Neji, realized quite clearly that this wasn't a threatening situation but it seemed as if part of his mind didn't agree with that. He felt his other personality coming up with force, trying to take over and he whimpered softly.

He reached up a slightly shaking hand and placed it atop Neji's bicep, turning away from the kiss with a gasp and wide eyes.

The thought that Neji must feel rejected crossed his mind but truth be told he couldn't care less. Because all he did now was close his eyes and try to drown out the nerves, convince himself that kissing Neji wasn't a bad thing and was definitely nothing like his forced intimacy with Orochimaru.

He took a few breaths and he sighed in relief as his body calmed down and his mind felt like one again instead of two different individuals. Because when on the verge of switching his mind felt crowded with one personality too many present within him.

When calm he did not feel like that for then all personalities thought like one. Yet when nervous every personality had a different reaction to the situation and the synch they usually worked in would disappear. It lasted for a few seconds most of the time yet in situations such as these those seconds were vital to the continuation of whatever was going on. Certainly since Neji had no clue about Shikamaru's multiple personalities and he would probably react badly if he were to switch now.

When suddenly Shikamaru heard Neji moving from his spot on the ground he looked up, not having realized the other had moved. He had been so caught by his own thoughts that he would forget about Neji. "Ah," he said, faltering because he didn't have a clue how to explain himself. He traced his upper-lip with his tongue and lowered his eyes, uncomfortable under Neji's stare which was disappointed above anything else.

"I'm sorry," he muttered at last yet he wasn't sure if Neji would understand why he was apologizing. While he was apologizing for pulling away and freaking out Neji could easily think he was saying sorry because he didn't return his friend's feelings.

Neji stood up, though, and Shikamaru looked up with a frown as his friend rounded the table and squatted down in front of him. Out of all the reactions he could have thought of receiving this wasn't one of them.

"What happened?" Neji asked, a frown on his face too and he reached out a hand to place it onto Shikamaru's shoulder carefully.

Shikamaru blinked in surprise at Neji's question. While he hadn't expected his friend to crawl into a corner and cry he hadn't expected to see worry in the other's eyes either. He worried his lip and debated between coming up with an excuse for his abrupt nervousness or just lean forward to kiss Neji and assure the other he hadn't been rejected.

"Shikamaru, you looked as pale as a ghost and ready to bail. What happened?" Neji pressed when after a few seconds Shikamaru hadn't answered him yet.

Shikamaru raised his eyes, watching Neji closely and he held his breath as he tried to think of an excuse. He wasn't ready to tell Neji about his mental state. But, that didn't mean he had to hide the fact he was abducted and raped. He wouldn't point it out that obviously, but Neji was a smart guy and bound to get the hint.

He shrugged and chuckled, although it didn't come out quite as he had wanted it to. It sounded fake and he could see Neji raise an eyebrow.

"Nothing that you did." Shikamaru said a bit too casually. "Just some bad experiences." He shrugged it off and then added with a small smirk: "Troublesome stuff, you know?"

Neji frowned at his friend's lacking explanation, obviously avoiding the subject and trying to give as little away as possible.

Shikamaru took advantage of Neji's silence and, taking a nervous breath, reached out a hand of his own to stroke down Neji's arm. "In fact, what you did wasn't troublesome at all." He said with a cheeky grin.

Now that his nerves were gone and Neji looked as if he wasn't even thinking of questioning his reaction any further Shikamaru wanted to let Neji know that his feelings were returned.

He caught the flicker of hope that crossed Neji's eyes, felt the other's grip on his shoulder tighten a bit and Shikamaru couldn't keep the foolish grin from his lips.

Neji traced his upper-lip with his tongue, a slightly nervous action, and asked: "If it wasn't troublesome, then what did you think of it?" He swallowed, insecure all of a sudden.

Shikamaru, oblivious to Neji's sudden nervousness and insecurity for he wasn't sure what to expect, chuckled and rubbed his hand up Neji's arm. "I thought my mind was playing tricks on me." He said.

"Tricks?" Neji questioned, pushing his body just the tiniest bit closer to Shikamaru's with a barely-there smile playing on his lips. "What kind of tricks?"

Shikamaru chuckled a bit uncomfortably at the question. He knew he could've expected it but he wasn't sure how to answer. But, he wondered, did it matter how he replied? For Neji had kissed him, was sitting in front of him and was getting closer and closer to him. It was obvious that he wouldn't be rejected. If anything, Neji should be feeling that way. So why was he still slightly nervous?

"The kind that made me think you were watching me while I thought that in reality that couldn't be true." Shikamaru admitted, lowering his eyes slightly in embarrassment.

"And I thought geniuses were supposed to be smart." Neji joked and shook his head with an amused smile. "For I was certain that my eyes on you must've burned holes in your back." He admitted softly.

"I didn't dare to get my hopes up." Shikamaru said.

Neji blinked and, leaning his head to the side a bit, asked: "So every time I made a teasing comment or touched you, you thought you were reading emotions from me that weren't real?"

Shikamaru blushed in embarrassment and bit his lip, turning his eyes away. "Look at yourself. How could I expect you to like me?" He mumbled softly.

Neji was gorgeous, smart and close to perfect. And if that wasn't enough, Shikamaru found he even found the man's imperfections attractive.

Neji huffed. "I've been told quite a few times I have a stick up my ass." He said with a wry smile. "But I feel flattered." He admitted, turning to look at Shikamaru with a small smile.

"That's good," Shikamaru chuckled and laid his arms around Neji's shoulder, hugging the other closer to himself and when their knees brushed he leaned forward. "And who knows, that stick may become useful one day." He teased with a small grin.

Neji raised an eyebrow yet chuckled at the same time. "One day you will have to tell me all the ways you're thinking of using that stick, then." He retorted and then reached up a hand to cup Shikamaru's cheek with a nervous smile. "For now I'll be content with just kissing you." He said.

Shikamaru felt a surge of anticipation and slight excitement go through him at the comment and he grinned. "Is that a demand or a disguised question?" He asked teasingly.

Neji chuckled and stroked his thumb up and down Shikamaru's skin. "It is whatever makes you kiss me." He murmured with a happy gleam in his eyes.

Shikamaru shivered as Neji brushed his cheek. "Oh don't worry, I would've kissed you regardless." He murmured happily.

He then looked at Neji and took a nervous, slightly unsteady breath. Gods, he wanted to kiss the other so much and there would have to be something akin to an apocalypse were he not to go through with it. Yet that didn't make him any less nervous and cautious.

He appreciated it that Neji had asked for a kiss, had given him the option of rejecting such an idea if he thought he couldn't handle it. He was certain he could, it was just a kiss after all and this time he wouldn't be surprised. This time every part of both his body and mind would know that he himself leaned in to kiss the teen he had fallen for and thus he wouldn't panic.

Grinning in a self-confident manner, Shikamaru cupped one of Neji's cheeks while he slid his hand up the other's arm to rest upon a broad shoulder. "It feels like we're practicing for a school play." He joked.

Not that he had ever been in any, but if he would ever end up in one and would end up kissing a girl he imagined it would look like this. Nervous, slightly awkward and completely forced.

Neji raised an eyebrow at Shikamaru's words. "You don't have to kiss me if you don't want to. I mean, it's –" He said but was abruptly cut off when Shikamaru pressed his lips against Neji's.

When Neji raised his eyebrow and started telling him a kiss wasn't necessary Shikamaru threw caution into the wind, forgot all about the forced look their first real kiss might have and he leaned in to press his lips against Neji's.

Nerves swirled through his body, hazed his mind a bit yet they were not the kind that made him switch. It was the kind of nervousness that came before the pleasure of kissing the person you liked sunk in and washed over you. It was an exciting kind of nervousness that made Shikamaru shiver as the realization set in that he was now truly kissing Neji Hyuuga.

And when Neji's lips moved against his, the other's hand tightening its hold on his shoulder, Shikamaru couldn't help but sigh happily into the kiss. He leaned in closer still, pressing his body against Neji's and running one of his hands through the other's long, silk-like hair.

It felt amazing to finally kiss Neji. A sensation he only dreamed of experiencing and now he knew that Neji felt the same about him as he did for the long-haired young man.

When he felt Neji's tongue flick against his lips, silently asking for entrance to deepen the kiss, Shikamaru stilled. A shiver ran down his spine and memories of what Orochimaru had done to him started to push themselves to the surface.

He clenched the hand that lay atop of Neji's shoulder into a fist and, closing his eyes, he willed the thoughts to go away. And when he both heard and felt Neji whisper his name against his lips it seemed as if all ties Orochimaru had on him disappeared and were pushed to the back of his mind, locked away again for now.

Their kiss continued and it was both sweet and exciting, with their gentle caresses and their tongues rubbing against each other. It was everything Shikamaru had dreamed off and then some, because dreams could never truly compare to the real thing. Even if they had been wet dreams.

Later, after many more kisses and when their legs started aching from sitting on their knees on the ground, Shikamaru and Neji moved to sit on the couch. Once seated next to each other, Shikamaru sighed happily and leaned his shoulder against Neji's. "It's a good thing you had the guts to kiss me." He admitted with a soft chuckle.

Neji shook his head in amusement and looked at Shikamaru. "It still took me much longer than you think and to be honest, I regretted it the moment I leaned forward." He chuckled at his own words. "And then you pulled away."

For a few seconds Shikamaru felt guilty but he tried to shove the feeling aside, knowing that it hadn't been his nor Neji's fault. Not really. "Yeah, sorry for that." He mumbled softly, unsure of what to say or what to do. It was always like this when the topic of his multiple personalities came closer and closer to the discussion than he liked.

"It's all right," Neji shrugged. "It's not like you didn't make up for it." He added with a smirk and he reached out his hand to intertwine his fingers with Shikamaru's.

Shikamaru grinned at that. "Lucky you," he murmured. He then licked his upper-lip and nervously asked: "So, are we in a relationship?"

He himself certainly wanted to be, he just wasn't sure whether or not Neji felt the same.

Neji raised an eyebrow and squeezed Shikamaru's hand. "You think you're getting rid of me now?" He joked yet a genuine smile etched his lips as well.

Shikamaru chuckled. "I might hope not, no." He said and leaned forward to kiss Neji again with a happy grin on his lips.

The only problem that remained now was telling Neji of his multiple personalities. But what could it hurt to hold back that information a bit longer until they had a steady relationship going? Shikamaru wondered and decided that it probably couldn't hurt.

It had been one of the first times he was wrong.

**TBC.**


	4. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I don't own

**Chapter three**

"So... you're fucking each other?" Kiba's voice was rough, his words crude as he watched his friend with an expression of open disbelief.

Shikamaru meanwhile wriggled a little in his seat and avoided Kiba's eyes. He glanced to the other side of the room, where Neji was pouring some drinks while talking with Sakura. She was another one of their classmates who had attended the party that had thrown in honour of finals being over.

"I... wouldn't call it that, exactly." He mumbled softly and turned back to nervously look up at Kiba.

So far, Neji and he hadn't told anyone in Konoha about their relationship yet. He'd told Chouji and Ino, of course, but they didn't even know Neji. But his two best friends were visiting him soon. That, in combination with the fact that they'd been together for well over two months already had made them decide to tell their friends.

While Shikamaru had agreed with Neji that it was indeed about time their friends knew, he still was unable to sit still and stop worrying. Being gay was frowned upon by some although that was the least of his worries. He might be a bit frightened of Kiba's reaction but he was certain the other wouldn't mind at all. Because Kiba never made rude comments about Naruto being so obviously Naruto head-over-heels with Sasuke.

No, the reaction he feared was his own. Because what if Kiba teased him and didn't notice he was getting uncomfortable? What if the other got upset with him for keeping his mouth shut? What if he himself got so nervous waiting for the other's reaction that he'd switch?

It were the usual worries that had taken hold of his mind. But the fact that those thoughts were swirling around in his mind was a bad thing to begin with. It was the root of his nerves, that brain of his. And sometimes he was ready to damn it to hell. Over-analyzing was bad enough when you were a normal person but when it came to having another personality ready to kick ass when needed, it could be very dangerous.

So, rather than allow his nerves free reign over his body, Shikamaru took a deep breath and glanced at his boyfriend again for a few seconds. Seeing Neji standing next to Sakura, chatting quite relaxed with the pink-haired girl, made him feel a bit more at ease and he smiled slightly.

"Oh, I see." Kiba leaned his head to the side when he saw the way Shikamaru watched Neji and he grinned. "You're making him work for it?"

Shikamaru blinked rapidly a few times at Kiba's words and he actually sputtered a little when he turned to watch the now widely grinning boy. Even though he gave people the idea he truly didn't care about anything, he wasn't all that comfortable with discussing sex with anyone.

Perhaps it was the effect of being raped all those years ago that had rooted itself deeply into his mind and made him apprehensive of everything that had to do with sex. Or maybe it was something as simple as teenage insecurity combined with embarrassment caused by inexperience.

It was obvious that Kiba had experience with at least some aspects of the art of making love. If that wasn't the case, the other was very good at pretending. But the mere fact the other boy knew so much about it, talked so freely about it and sometimes even bragged about it made him slightly uncomfortable.

He didn't allow himself to ever show those embarrassed feelings though. He wasn't quite sure why since it was such a natural emotion that people had to deal with on a daily basis. But Shikamaru wasn't nervous all that much on a daily base. The reason for that was actually quite simple. He was too lazy to care about what other people thought of him.

But this situation was different. Because now he actually cared about what Kiba would think.

Why?

Because Kiba would tell Naruto, without a doubt, and if Naruto knew the entire school did. But he could survive the entire school knowing he was currently together with a guy. He didn't, though, want word to go around that he was making Neji Hyuuga – bachelor number one where the girls were concerned – work hard to get into his pants.

He didn't want to do or say anything that could damage his still young relationship with Neji. Certainly not considering the fact his boyfriend knew nothing of his two personalities. Because he was quite certain that if Neji were to ever get angry with him for something he hadn't said or done he'd get too nervous or angry to keep himself from switching. And even though he did want to tell Neji about his other personalities someday, his boyfriend finding out about it like that would do nothing but break them up.

As his thoughts strayed for a few seconds, Shikamaru unconsciously traced his upper-lip with his tongue. He knew Kiba was watching him, awaiting an answer with obvious impatience.

Luckily for him, his mind never took longer than a few seconds to provide him with an answer.

"Would be very troublesome, though. Making Neji work, quite the task if I say so myself." He shrugged, leaning back against the seat he sat in and he watched his rowdy friend.

He wondered how Kiba would react. Knowing Kiba, though, Shikamaru was quite certain that he wasn't off the hook just yet. Because Kiba usually wasn't satisfied with no as an answer.

Not that Shikamaru felt as if he could back out. Kiba knew there was _something _going on between Neji and him now. So leaving the youth alone to ponder what exactly that relationship was wasn't that bright an idea. Kiba was bound to reach the wrong conclusions after all.

Besides, Neji and he had agreed to tell their friends about their relationship. And even though he wasn't as close to Kiba as he was to Chouji or Ino, the other boy was definitely someone he considered a friend.

Kiba chuckled and he shook his head in what seemed to be amusement. "Right, and troublesome isn't your thing."

Shikamaru couldn't keep a lop-sided grin from his face at that. At least Kiba understood that much. "It's never really been, I'm afraid." He replied, his tone was casual and he shook his head slightly.

"So," Kiba's grin dimmed slightly and he leaned forward in his chair, elbows resting on his knees. He looked up at Shikamaru with an almost uncharacteristically serious expression and asked: "What is going on between you two, then?"

Shikamaru bit his lip softly. It was stupid, really. He knew the question would come and by now he even knew that odds were very big that Kiba wouldn't care that he was gay.

But this time, the nerves weren't so bad and after fidgeting for a few seconds he swallowed them away completely.

He wetted his lips and allowed a small smile to be shown. "We're dating," he stated lazily. At the words, at the recognition that he was indeed dating Neji, he felt a slight warmth spread through his body. He hadn't expected he'd be so happy to actually admit he was Neji's boyfriend.

"Dating?" Kiba asked. He leaned back against the back of the chair and his lips curled up into a small, teasing smirk.

"Yes, dating."

Shikamaru jumped in his seat as Neji's low voice reached his ears and a hand was firmly placed atop of his shoulder. He looked up right away with a smile. A small shiver run down his spine when Neji gently squeezed his shoulder, almost in re-assurance.

Neji brushed a few locks of hair behind his ear with his free hand and watched Kiba with a raised eyebrow. "Disappointed, Kiba?"

Kiba raised his eyes, watching Neji with obvious amusement. "Who wouldn't be?" He retorted almost cockily.

Shikamaru couldn't help but chuckle softly at Kiba's comment. He was quite certain if it had been someone else that had snatched Neji from the bachelor life he himself would be disappointed as well. Although the only thing Kiba was probably disappointed about was that now he wouldn't be able to talk Neji into his bed anymore.

When Neji made a soft, amused sound Shikamaru turned to look up at his boyfriend with a raised eyebrow. He wondered what the other was thinking and worried if maybe he'd said or done something wrong.

He didn't worry much in general. But he found that with Neji he couldn't help himself. The reason, he figured, was pretty simple. The fact he'd never been in a relationship before and Neji was extremely popular with both men and women made him doubt himself often.

But with a brain that never once stopped churning he was used to worrying and doubting more than was good for him. With Neji, though, worries were always short-lived. Because the moment his boyfriend's lips quirked up in a small smile all his doubts seemed to disappear.

As they did now.

Although with Kiba sitting right in front of him and watching the two of them like a hawk, having Neji smile at him like that was slightly embarrassing. And when he felt a small blush spread on his cheeks he ducked his head.

Neji's chuckle was low, and to Shikamaru's ears even somewhat sensual. "It seems you agree with him."

Shikamaru snorted and shook his head, amused. "Of course I do," he allowed his tongue to trace his upper-lip and with half-lidded eyes looked up at Neji with a smirk. "I'm dating you, after all."

As Shikamaru spoke footsteps neared and whatever cocky reply Neji was about to make was interrupted by a gasp. Startling slightly, all three turned around to see Naruto gaping at them.

"What!" The blond's blue eyes were slightly widened and he wasn't sure whether to look at Shikamaru or Neji. In the end, he settled his gaze on Shikamaru who wanted to disappear into his chair at the surprise written all over Naruto's face. "You two are dating?"

Shikamaru swallowed, slightly nervous, and leaned his head to the side with a small smile.

Kiba had taken the news pretty well and it wasn't like Naruto was averse to a gay relationship. His attraction to Sasuke was sometimes painfully obvious even though Sasuke seemed completely unaware.

So, knowing that, Shikamaru wasn't really afraid of Naruto's reaction. He was merely nervous about admitting he was dating Neji with his boyfriend standing right next to him.

"We are," Shikamaru nodded and, rather than wait and see Naruto's reaction, turned to look at Neji. Strangely enough, he was more curious about his boyfriend's reaction than Naruto's.

Seeing Neji smile at him and hearing Naruto joke that it was about time they got together Shikamaru realized that it wasn't so bad as he had thought. Not at all.

* * *

"Shikamaru!"

Shikamaru resisted the urge to flinch at the loud, high-pitched voice that was sure to even reach the outskirts of his home-town. But he was given no time to answer the loud call and before he had even thought of fleeing he found himself in a tight hug with his childhood friend.

He returned the hug, albeit not as tightly, and allowed a small smile to come to his lips. "Hello Ino." He murmured happily.

Even though he had a good time living in Konoha-village, liked spending time with his new friends and couldn't be happier with a boyfriend such as Neji he still missed his old friends a lot.

Ino and Chouji were the only friends he had that knew about his multiple personalities. That didn't mean he let out everything he felt and didn't try to prevent himself from switching. But being with people who knew was easier, put less pressure on him to keep himself from saying something that might betray his condition.

That, though, didn't mean he could afford to get too comfortable now that Chouji and Ino were here. They were only staying for a month and a half over summer-break and after that he'd be on his own again.

Not truly alone, he still had Neji by his side and had made quite the bunch of new friends. But even though he was most definitely in love, being with Neji while the other didn't know about his other personalities still felt lacking.

"Keep that going and Neji might think you're cheating on him." With a wide grin on his face, Chouji made his way over to his two friends.

With a soft shriek Ino pulled away from Shikamaru and turned to watch at Chouji, placing a hand firmly onto her hip as she shook her head. "The guy would be a fool thinking that."

Shikamaru chuckled and gave his blonde-haired friend a small push in her back a smirk. "Why? Because I'm so obviously out of your league?"

"What!" A surprised, high-pitched sound escaped Ino and she turned around, blue eyes flashing with amusement. "You smug ass! Do you want me to get troublesome on you?"

Shikamaru chuckled and crossed his arms in front of his chest while looking up at Ino. "Yes, I missed you too."

Ino shook her head, a smug look crossing her features and she wagged a finger at her childhood friend. "I never said I didn't miss you, just that you were smug."

"And I wouldn't disagree with her if I were you," Chouji chuckled. He moved to stand besides Shikamaru and patted the other's shoulder with a wide smile. "It's good to see you again."

"Yes," Shikamaru nodded, a small smile on his lips as he looked at Ino first and then at Chouji. "It's really been too long."

Ino sighed softly and she was smiling somewhat sadly. "It has been." She nodded.

"But, we're here now." Chouji reminded his two friends cheerfully.

A soft chuckle passed Shikamaru's lips. Chouji was right. What use was it feeling bad about seeing each other so little now that they were actually together? They could mull over the fact they missed each other after summer again, when they knew it would be until Christmas-break that any of them had the chance of crossing the country again.

"Yes, we are!" Ino clapped her hands and grinned. "It'll be great, we'll have so much fun." She then took a small intake of breath and turned to Shikamaru with a smirk and an excited twinkle in her eyes. "And we can finally meet Neji."

"Yeah," Shikamaru smiled a small smile and nodded. "He wants to meet you too." And it was true. Many times Neji had told him to actually look forward to meeting Ino and Chouji and Shikamaru could relate.

He'd text them often, have long Skype-conversations where both Ino and Chouji were on the line and afterwards he'd tell Neji about the troublesome things they'd all been through. But Neji must've noticed that sometimes he sounded longingly. Because truly, who wouldn't miss their friends?

"Of course he does." Ino huffed.

"Yeah," Chouji agreed with a snicker and a nod. "He's been hearing about us for such a long time yet hasn't seen us once. He must be dying from curiosity."

"Actually," Shikamaru smirked and waved his hand in the air, "he is beginning to think I made you up."

"Aw, your boyfriend thinks you have imaginary friends." Ino cooed with a smirk. Sometimes, it was too easy to tease Shikamaru.

"Tche," Shikamaru pulled up his nose a bit, but still had the hints of a smile playing on his lips. "It's troublesome."

* * *

Later, when Ino and Chouji were getting settled in their designated bedrooms Shikamaru had taken his refuge on the living-room couch.

While he couldn't be happier to have his friends over for the summer, he wasn't sure whether he was glad about Ino's excitement at meeting his boyfriend or slightly frightened. He wasn't afraid that Ino would steal Neji away, or even fall for him. And even if she did, he knew she cared too much for him to break them up.

But the thing that did frighten him, now that he allowed himself to think about it, was the fact Ino's mouth ran like a water-fall. It was a never-ending stream of words.

Sometimes it was amusing to hear Ino rant about idle things, gossip about her supposed friends or complain because her size four figure really needed to be a size two. But there were times when he feared the words that would fall from her lips.

Those times were usually when someone besides Chouji and himself was around. Someone that didn't know about his other personalities.

Because while Ino would never blurt out his secret on purpose, when her mouth was running off with her again one was never sure of the things she would accidentally say. And Shikamaru could only imagine the uncomfortable turn any kind of conversation would take when someone suddenly found out there wasn't just one of him, so to speak.

It would be uncomfortable, painful and above all Shikamaru was certain that the other person – no matter who it was – would distance themselves from him. It was what had happened in the past and it would happen now.

People would be confused, ask about what had happened to him and he would either lie or rip open wounds that had barely healed. Both were options he'd rather avoid but something as uncommon as Dissociative Identity Disorder wasn't something you could just brush aside as a slip of the tongue.

"Leaving you alone for too long never leads to good things." Chouji called out softly, leaning against the doorway of the living-room and studying his friend with a serious expression.

Shikamaru's eyes widened the moment his friend's voice roused him from his thoughts. He looked up quickly, feeling somewhat guilty for his gloomy thoughts now that his friends were here. Really, he shouldn't be thinking these things.

"Over-reacting is a skill." He mumbled with a shrug.

Chuckling, Chouji made his way over to the couch and sat down next to Shikamaru. "Is it?"

Turning his head so he could look at Chouji Shikamaru wasn't surprised to see slight worry and compassion shine in his friend's brown eyes. A sigh passed his lips and he shook his head, leaning against the back of the couch. "Troublesome..."

"Might be," Chouji nodded with a small smile, "but something is worrying you."

Shikamaru had to admit he hadn't exactly been subtle in his pondering, choosing the living-room of all places. So having Chouji notice wasn't all that strange. It irked Shikamaru, though, that Chouji always spoke his mind.

It irked him since the questions he was asked forced him to talk about exactly what it was that was worrying him. And this time he was slightly afraid that his so far trivial thoughts would lead him to yet another thing he feared.

"Isn't something troublesome always worrying me?" He retorted easily, leaning back against the couch. He knew that it probably wouldn't throw Chouji off and make his friend forget about the question. But the least he could do was try.

"True," Chouji nodded but only after corssing his arms in front of his chest with a small smirk. "And I usually find a way to get you to answer, so start answering."

Shikamaru sighed and rolled his eyes. "There's not much to tell, really." He shrugged lightly and looked at Chouji. "Just the usual stuff."

"The disorder?" Chouji's voice dropped to a soft murmur and his tone was slightly cautious. It was how he always sounded when talking about the Dissociative Identity Disorder, as if he was treading on dangerous grounds. Which Chouji knew he was, but that never stopped him from confronting Shikamaru.

Shikamaru huffed and shook his head. "Isn't it always?" Perhaps always was exaggerating a bit, but it wasn't often that Shikamaru found himself worrying about something else.

"Usually," Chouji nodded his head. He then sighed softly and brushed a hand through his hair. "You're avoiding the question."  
Shikamaru resisted the urge to chuckle at his friend and instead just pursed his lips with an amused expression on his face. "Aren't I always?"

"Not like this," Chouji shook his head and then furrowed his brow almost thoughtfully. He then raised his eyes and carefully inquired: "Is it about Neji?"

Shikamaru, even though he'd seen the question coming, blinked nervously and turned his head away. It was embarrassing to have to admit he worried about his relationship with Neji. "Yes,"

Chouji nodded in understanding. "He doesn't know yet?"

Shikamaru snorted and shook his head. "Of course not." A soft sigh passed his lips. "It'd be too troublesome if he dumped me."

"Dumped you?" Chouji asked, sounding surprised.

"Yes." Shikamaru snorted and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Quite sure he'll do that when he finds out." Because what else was there that Neji could do? Surely, no-one in their right mind would simply agree he was a mental-patient not be affected by it.

Chouji clacked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and shook his head. "You don't know that."

"Troublesome." Shikamaru sighed and allowed his body to slide down against the back of the couch a bit, his body easily falling into a slouching position. "Isn't it what everyone would do?"

Chouji rolled his eyes, only slightly agitated. "You don't know that."

Huffing softly at his friend's words Shikamaru shook his head. "I'm quite certain I do."

Because over the years he'd seen so many look at him in a strange way when he switched and reacted badly, when he walked out of his psychiatrists' office so on. To say his general opinion of the open-mindedness of the average person had plummeted along with those occasions wasn't in the least an exaggeration.

Chouji chuckled and playfully gave Shikamaru's shoulder a push. "Such faith, Shikamaru."

"Just stating facts." Shikamaru smirked, not even trying to push the other away.

It was now Chouji's turn to huff and shake his head almost doubtfully. "Hm, we'll see about that."

Shikamaru's smirk disappeared and he frowned slightly. "What's that mean?"

"Nothing." Chouji shrugged and leaned against the back of the couch with a self-satisfied smirk. "Just that who knows, Neji might surprise you."

**TBC.**


	5. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto

**Chapter four**

Ino liked Neji.

Or was it better to say that Ino liked Neji's looks?

Shikamaru wasn't sure if personality-wise she liked him any more than she'd like a rat. But judging the way she kept sending him appreciative glances it was quite clear that she approved of her best friend's boyfriend's looks. Of course the big grin and thumbs up right after Neji walked into the living-room had been a dead give-away of her approval, too.

Throughout the entire first day of their visit Ino had begged and begged to meet Neji.

It hadn't surprised Shikamaru but it had made him slightly nervous since he wasn't sure what would happen were his friends not to like Neji.

It probably wouldn't be as bad as he thought it would be. Because, however sad it was, Ino and Chouji simply weren't around often enough for it to become a problem.

But that hadn't meant he stopped worrying, that he hadn't turned the possible outcomes of the meeting between his friends and his boyfriend around in his head over and over again.

But, as it turned out, Ino took an instant liking to Neji – or his looks – and Chouji got along quite nicely with Neji too. It made his previous worries seem so trivial now but wasn't that always the case?

He would worry about something that he knew he shouldn't worry about and then in the end things would turn out all right. Whether that was a side-effect of his brain over-analyzing or the disorder he didn't know. He just never failed to feel like such a girl for doing so.

"Poor Neji." Chouji commented with a laugh. He leaned against the kitchen-counter, quite amused by the fact that Ino was currently tattering Neji's ear off about something in the living-room.

Shikamaru chuckled. "He'll have to learn to deal with it sooner or later."

It might take some time, but with Ino one had to learn to suffer through some stories. Because telling the blonde no was not an option. Unless you were willing to hear her wail at you.

"Rather later, I gather." Chouji was clearly amused, not even trying to hide his grin. "He looked quite betrayed when you just left him alone with Ino."

"I'm sure he'll live." Shikamaru snorted and started getting everybody's drinks ready.

Besides, Neji would understand. Shikamaru had dealt with Neji's exuberant friend Lee too. A peculiar guy with a peculiar haircut and a personality that was an odd combination of annoying things.

"I'm sure," Chouji nodded and then crossed his arms in front of his chest, tilting his head to the side.

Shikamaru knew from the new stance that there was something that Chouji wanted to talk about. Why else had the other gone to the kitchen with him in the first place if there hadn't been something to ask? He nervously wet his lips and raised an eyebrow at his friend, silently asking what was going on.

"So..." Chouji started and his eyes darted towards the living-room before settling onto Shikamaru again. "Neji seems to be an honest guy."

Shikamaru nodded. He knew where this was going.

"Not like the type to dump someone for no real reason." Chouji continued.

Shikamaru nodded again, wondering why Chouji wanted to bring this up _now_, of all times?

"Moreover, he really likes you. Like, if you say jump he'll probably ask how high. That much." Chouji chuckled softy as he spoke.

"A-ah..." A flush spread over Shikamaru's cheeks at his friend's words. Neji was his boyfriend, so it was obvious that they liked each other a lot. But to have someone else point out how obvious Neji's feelings were was embarrassing.

Chouji, though, didn't accept Shikamaru's embarrassment as an excuse to ignore where he was going to and he continued: "So, I'd assume he would gladly accept any flaw you might have." He then snorted. "He puts up with your laziness, after all."

A nervous laugh escaped Shikamaru. He could've known that the moment Chouji found out that he hadn't told Neji about his disorder yet his friend would make very sure that Shikamaru would tell his boyfriend.

In Chouji's eyes, people who cared enough about Shikamaru would accept him with the disorder, no questions asked. Shikamaru thought that was unrealistic.

While most people would call themselves open-minded, when push came to shove open-mindedness was yet another thing that was greatly overrated in this world. So far, Shikamaru could praise himself lucky that people who knew about his disorder also knew about his kidnapping. Had known him before he was kidnapped.

But telling someone who wouldn't know about that, wouldn't know about the hell he'd been through as a kid, was nerve-wrecking. They would have difficulties understanding, he would have to explain what had happened to him and it could tear open a container of memories best left closed.

And, if Shikamaru were honest, he would admit too that he was afraid someone else besides Neji might find out if he were to tell his boyfriend. He trusted Neji, he truly did, but it was a lingering fear he couldn't shake off.

Chouji studied his friend for a few moments, wondering what was going on in the other's head. "You've never even considered telling him?"

Shikamaru looked up slowly. "Of course I have." He said easily with a small shrug.

The thought of telling Neji about his disorder almost constantly crossed his mind. He'd even talked about it with Asuma – his psychiatrist – on his own initiative. It had been a difficult conversation. Asuma had gently steered him with questions until all his worries were out in the open.

Asuma had then proceeded to coax him into the direction of agreeing to tell Neji about his disorder. It would be the best, even Shikamaru couldn't help but agree. It would both be best for his own peace of mind as for their relationship. Because at least then he could be around Neji without worrying constantly about switching.

But all the positive things about telling Neji about his disorder and all of Asuma's probing hadn't been enough to persuade Shikamaru. Even though he wanted Neji to know there was still some part of his mind that was determined not to let his boyfriend know. And until that part of his mind had changed its course, it was better not to tell Neji, or so he reasoned.

And at the end of the conversation, Asuma had said the same. It was sort of like quitting smoking. If you didn't want to do it a hundred percent, it wouldn't work out. How exactly telling Neji about his disorder could go wrong he didn't know, but he wasn't willing to find out yet.

"Shika..." Chouji mumbled softly and trailed off.  
"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered with a sigh. It was about time to cut off this conversation and go back to the living-room. If Neji hadn't already fled the premises after having listened to Ino for a good ten minutes. "I know it's the right thing to tell him."

Chouji smiled sadly at his friend's words. "It is. But what you should do is in a continuouss battle with what you want."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at Chouji's words. His friend was spot on and it was the accurateness of the other's words that surprised him. It wasn't often that Chouji did anything else than ask questions but whenever he did his perceptiveness continued to surprise Shikamaru.

Even though he should know better after all their years of friendship.

He chuckled then, a nervous reaction more than anything else for he didn't want to answer Chouji's silent question. He didn't want to think about either what he wanted or should do. Not after having talked about it with Asuma at length. And certainly not after his decision to postpone telling Neji about his disorder.

"Really, Chouji, if I'd wanted you as my psychiatrist instead of Asuma I would've told you." He said jokingly, but his demeanour was tense and slightly defensive with his head tilted slightly and his hands slowly balling into fists.

"I'm sorry, I hate to interrupt."

Before Chouji could reply to Shikamaru's words Neji's voice, slightly hesitant in the current situation, drifted through the kitchen.

Shikamaru froze in his spot, paling considerably at his boyfriend's words. How much, he wondered, had Neji heard? Had he merely walked in straight away or had he paused at the door at hearing their conversation? And if so, how long had he been there?

Slowly raising his eyes, Shikamaru could see that Neji was talking, probably telling Chouji and himself why he was interrupting.

But he didn't hear anything. His mind was shutting out everything but his own worried, nerve-wrecking thoughts.

Because if Neji hadn't heard exactly what kind of disorder he had, he at least knew that Shikamaru was seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis. Shikamaru knew that Neji didn't ask questions about his personal life. But he was sure that if Neji was kept in the dark about what exactly was going on for too long he would definitely get suspicious.

He slowly raised his eyes, his heart beating loudly in his chest making him only more nervous.

Neji was glancing at him with a frown marring his features while Chouji was stuttering out excuses about why on earth Shikamaru wasn't saying or doing anything.

He wasn't sure what to do. On the one hand it would be so easy to allow Chouji to say he had a migraine. But he knew, without a doubt, that Neji would never fall for such an excuse. His boyfriend probably wouldn't confront him with the obvious lie. But wasn't it better for their relationship – for Neji's trust in him – that he at least allowed a flicker of the truth to shine through?

"Chouji,"

Only when Chouji stopped talking and turned to look at him did Shikamaru realize he had actually called out his friend's name. He swallowed, wondering what exactly he was supposed to say now.

It was almost frightening how he couldn't think like he usually did. How his mind revolved simply around the fact that Neji knew about his disorder and how that seemed to keep him from feeling anything other than panic.

"Shikamaru," a gentle hand was placed atop of his shoulder but it didn't have the desired effect.

Instead, with his thoughts in a downward spiral and the slight panic still lingering within him, his laziness and composure seemed to disappear for a second. It made place for anger, his eyes flashing dangerously and he defensively pushed Neji's hand away. "What?" He snapped, taking a step back.

Neji blinked in confusion and looked slightly hurt for a second before he frowned. He glanced at Chouji, who had paled and was looking at Shikamaru with worry, before turning back to Shikamaru and carefully asking: "You all right?"

The fact that Neji remained calm, didn't get angry with Shikamaru and was instead slightly worried about how he was doing calmed Shikamaru down.

Shikamaru took a deep breath, hoping to get himself in order again. It had been a while since traces of his wilder personality had seeped through and it left him momentarily stunned.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled softly after a few more moments, feeling his body slip back into its usual relaxed demeanour.

Switching, no matter how light the occurrence, always left him feeling guilty afterwards. He would snap and say things that he didn't truly mean but he could hardly tell people later that some subconscious part of his mind was only trying to protect him.

Neji easily shrugged the apology away. "As long as you're fine."

Shikamaru smiled gratefully, relieved Neji wasn't angry with him. He did wonder, though, how long it would take Neji to ask what exactly was wrong with Shikamaru. "I am fine." He nodded.

"Good," Neji said, slowly reaching out a hand and softly placing it on top of Shikamaru's shoulder again. When his boyfriend didn't react badly to it, he squeezed softly.

"So, can I take the drinks with me?" He suddenly asked, taking a step back and gesturing towards the glasses on the counter. "Ino was complaining she was thirsty and..." He broke off, shrugging with the hint of a smile.

Shikamaru was ready to breathe a sigh of relief. He hadn't expected Neji to change the subject, to not ask anything at all. But now that his boyfriend was doing just that he couldn't be happier.

Chouji chuckled loudly. "Oh yes, Ino can be quite something when she wants to be."

Neji managed a small smile and nodded. "Yes." He then looked at Shikamaru. "So, I can take the glasses?"

"Ah, yes." Shikamaru nodded. "I'll get myself a drink and be right out."

Neji nodded in return and slid a hand down Shikamaru's side before taking the glasses. "Okay," he nodded and hurried out of the kitchen just as Ino started questioning loudly what the hell was taking everyone so long.

When Neji left the kitchen Shikamaru slumped against the counter and with a sigh looked down at the ground.

That had been... both interesting and frightening and he wasn't sure quite what to think of it all.

"That went... well, didn't it?" He asked Chouji with a fake laugh.

Gods, he wasn't sure how to face Neji when it was just the two of them. Not now that he didn't have a clue what to expect of his boyfriend.

"Well?" Chouji furrowed his brow and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "For God's sake, Shikamaru, Neji was perfect!" He said angrily and shook his head. "He took it perfectly calm, didn't react badly when you did and was kind enough not to ask anything."

"Doesn't mean he won't later." Shikamaru shot back, ignoring the other's comment about him not reacting properly. They both knew he didn't have perfect control over that.

Chouji rolled his eyes. "He has every right to, but at least he has the decency to do it in private if he does."

Shikamaru sighed. "Troublesome," he had expected Chouji to say something like this. Although he had hoped his friend would've come with comforting words to soothe his confusion instead.

"Aren't most things?" Chouji smiled and quickly went about the kitchen to fetch himself a drink. "And just so you know, I think that when Neji asks what just happened you should just tell him the truth."

Shikamaru swallowed hard, he had also expected those words. Worse was, that after Neji's reaction just now he was starting to think about telling his boyfriend. It clouded his mind with confusion and the only thing he could conclude was that he needed to think about it. Preferably alone.

"I might," he admitted softly. He knew that whatever his choice, Chouji wouldn't push him. But at least he could give his friend an honest insight in his thoughts this once. If only for all the patience Chouji had when dealing with him.

Chouji's smile widened slightly and with the hand that wasn't holding a drink he patted his friend's shoulder. "For all it's worth, I think it's a good idea."

And with those words Chouji left his friend alone in the kitchen.

After that, things didn't quite go back to how they'd been before.

Shikamaru was slightly tense, Chouji kept giving his friend encouraging glances while Neji seemed to simply have forgotten about what had happened. That only made Shikamaru more nervous.

It carried on until Ino's curiosity had gotten the better of her and she suddenly loudly started demanding she get answers.

Shikamaru paled, Chouji almost choked on some chips and Neji told her she needn't worry. Those words, of course, didn't help the situation and after a few seconds Chouji took Ino out. But not before telling Shikamaru that he needed to talk with Neji.

* * *

"Neji..." Shikamaru was nervous.

Very nervous.

He wondered why on earth he had asked Neji to come to his bedroom. His bedroom of all places! Didn't that insinuate that he wanted to do other things rather than talk about his disorder?

Neji was sitting on his bed while he had chosen to safely sit at his desk. A fair distance away from Neji without seeming too obvious.

His boyfriend was looking at him, waiting patiently for whatever was coming.

It was strange, how Neji didn't curiously ask questions, how he seemingly didn't care. But by now, certainly now that they were alone, Shikamaru had come to understand that Neji did care. He was just holding back to give Shikamaru time.

Time to figure out what exactly he wanted to say and how he would break the news to Neji. Neji was being so very considerate because it was obvious something was bothering Shikamaru. Something bad. Something that had rooted itself deep within him and that he was afraid to share.

Neji knew all of that, Shikamaru could see it in those pale lavender eyes.

After what had happened – both when they kissed the first time and what had happened just this afternoon in the kitchen – Shikamaru's reluctance to tell Neji about his disorder had started to waver. And now, with Neji patiently waiting without urging him on with either words or body-language he wanted to tell Neji.

He wanted to tell his boyfriend so badly, but yet there was still something that held him from doing so. Something deep within him. A deeply rooted fear for the reactions he might receive and, more importantly, for the reaction he might have to those reactions.

His angry personality was always with him but kept at bay by his calm and seemingly uninterested personality. Yet in moments like this, when he was nervous and his resolve against the fear lurking just beneath the surface was weakened he sometimes found himself afraid.

Afraid of himself.

As he thought, he unconsciously scraped his finger-nails over his skin and bit his lower-lip.

As long as he was afraid of himself, afraid of reacting badly and ending up hurting Neji, he couldn't tell his boyfriend about his disorder.

Perhaps it was an unfair decision, perhaps he was only thinking of himself – and he was – but he didn't care. He reasoned, that with his disorder, he could afford to be selfish like that.

Suddenly, a hand was placed an top of his and he froze in his seat. With widened eyes he looked up, his mind telling his body that it was Neji touching him.

Neji, how could he have forgotten that his boyfriend had been sitting just across of him?

"Shikamaru," Neji's voice was soft, calming and only a fraction of his previous nerves remained within him.

When Neji gently pulled him out of his chair, tugging him towards he bed, his nerves decided to intervene again, making him fidgety.

"Don't try so hard," Neji shook his head and sat down on the edge of Shikamaru's bed, urging Shikamaru to follow his example. He reached out his hands and slowly slid the band out of Shikamaru's shoulder length hair, weaving through the now free locks with his slender fingers.

Shikamaru frowned. "I'm not," he lied. But he knew that he was lying to himself more than he was lying to Neji.

Neji smiled lightly and shook his head, almost as if he was amused by Shikamaru's denial. "You've got red marks on your skin." He murmured softly, caressing the blemishes on Shikamaru's hands with his fingers. "You did that while you were thinking."

Shikamaru swallowed and lowered his eyes, watching silently as Neji traced his fingers over his hands and then up his arms. He shivered at the innocent, light touch and sighed softly.

He might be selfish, but he wasn't just being unfair right now. He was being mean. Neji was doing so much for him at this moment and all he could do was sit in silence and contemplate why he shouldn't tell Neji about his disorder.

But shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't he be thinking of the reasons why he should tell his boyfriend? Didn't he like Neji because the other accepted things without too much questioning, without thinking him strange or, sometimes, perhaps delusional?

Didn't Neji deserve to know why he sometimes seemed to be someone else than himself?

"Shikamaru,"

Gentle fingers intertwined themselves with his, preventing him from clenching his hands again as he was consumed by thoughts.

He raised his eyes, locking eyes with Neji which caused him to take a shuddering, uncertain breath. "You deserve to know," his voice was so soft that he was surprised Neji had even heard the words.

"Maybe," Neji nodded. "But only when you're ready. And trust me, you will know when you are."

"And what if I'm never ready?" Shikamaru asked hesitantly. Surely, Neji would lose patience if he didn't come up with the truth soon enough? He would if he were in his boyfriend's shoes, he was certain of that.

Neji laughed softly and shook his head, cupping Shikamaru's hands in the palms of his hands. "Never is a very long time." He said.

And before Shikamaru could object, could say anything, Neji leaned down to kiss his boyfriend, willing him into silence.

**TBC.**


	6. Chapter 5

I don't own Naruto

**Chapter Five**

_And before Shikamaru could object, could say anything, Neji leaned down to kiss his boyfriend, willing him into silence._

When Neji's lips touched his, Shikamaru stiffened momentarily on the bed. He reached up a lightly shaking hand, grasping Neji's upper arm tightly, needing some sort of anchor. It was too sudden, he hadn't had any time to mentally prepare himself for a kiss. So instead of preparing himself _before_ being kissed, he had to do it _while_ being kissed.

Being kissed, being hugged, being touched by anyone always drove his body into shock-mode. Because his first memory of being kissed, hugged and touched were bad ones. So when something like that happened, he needed to mentally remind his body that it was all right to be touched. That it wasn't Orochimaru touching him but someone who was allowed to touch him.

Communication between his mind and body was short, it took him only a second, but Neji had noticed and broke their kiss.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled softly.

"No, no." Shikamaru shook his head and smiled. "Don't get troublesome now."

Neji frowned. "But you froze. I won't kiss you if you're uncomfortable with that."

Shikamaru's smile turned slightly sad and he shook his head. "I just need a warning beforehand."

Neji looked at him warily, obviously not believing what he was saying. "Are you sure?"

Shikamaru repressed the urge to sigh in frustration at himself. He trusted Neji, knew his boyfriend wouldn't hurt him but his constant hesitance at the beginning of a kiss or a hug had made Neji reluctant, he noticed now. Of course, Neji wasn't to blame for that so he felt guilty about it. Neji was a great guy, he didn't have to go through this in a relationship.

He took a breath, telling himself that he was the one taking the initiative so there was nothing to be afraid of. Then, he murmured: "I'm sure." And he closed the gap that Neji had created between them, pressing his lips against Neji's softly, almost shyly.

Neji didn't kiss back, gave Shikamaru a few moments to adapt and Shikamaru was so very grateful for that.

After reminding himself that this was Neji and he had kissed Neji, he felt his body relax. He put some feeling into the kiss, hugged Neji close and his nerves were cast away to the back of his mind.

Neji reached up his hands and brushed them through Shikamaru's hair.

Shikamaru shivered slightly, always sensitive to being touched because he'd been touched so little in his life. He had been before the abduction but after that it seemed most people besides his parents simply didn't dare touching him.

Neji's lips were soft against his and while one of Neji's hands was intertwined in his hair the other drew little circles against his lower back.

The kiss itself was great, perhaps it was even what he'd needed all along. It send his mind into a well deserved dazed state of pleasure and he leaned even heavier against Neji, urging for the kiss to be deepened.

Now that his body began to realize that Neji wouldn't do anything hurtful he began to relax and felt almost eager for more. He'd never felt like this before, had never felt he had wanted more from someone. But with Neji, he did. For the first time in his life his body and mind worked in synch and understood the situation as it was. A none threatening situation where two people merely expressed their feelings through touch.

Feeling confident and wanting to explore, Shikamaru trailed his hands down Neji's chest, wanting to feel the other with the comfortable barrier of clothes still intact. He felt Neji's muscles tense slightly under his touch and that urged him on. He felt stupidly inexperienced at this and had the feeling that Neji knew more about these things than he did.

When Neji pulled him even closer, Shikamaru gasped softly into the kiss at the pressure of the other's hand against his back, gently yet slightly demanding.

Neji took his chance and slipped his tongue deftly and quickly past Shikamaru's lips, exploring carefully.

Shikamaru shivered at the feeling of intimacy that overwhelmed him and gave himself a few seconds to quietly adjust to the new situation. It disturbed him lightly that every change in touch needed to be registered anew but when he started kissing Neji back in earnest he knew it was worth the trouble.

Neji easily submitted to him and Shikamaru felt a wave of joy go through him because of it. Neji was a dominant person. He needed to be in control of a situation. But here he was, giving in and submitting because he sensed that that was what Shikamaru needed. It made Shikamaru wonder how he could've ever found himself a boyfriend like Neji.

"Shika," Neji murmured against his lips after a few more kisses. Neji lowered his hands to trace the hem of Shikamaru's shirt, his fingers only barely brushing over bits of exposed skin. "Can I?"

Shikamaru shuddered at the light touch and blushed lightly. "Yeah," he murmured, wanting for Neji to touch him. It already felt good to be touched and they hadn't done anything yet, really. It was true that he was nervous but with the way Neji was asking permission for things and took it slowly it wasn't so bad. He felt as if he was the one in control and that in turn gave him control over his own emotions.

Turning his head and leaning down to nuzzle the side of Neji's neck he said: "Yeah, you can." He then kissed the side of Neji's neck, grinning in delight when the other shivered because of his touch.

Neji made a soft, appreciative noise at Shikamaru's touch and then slid his hands under the hem of Shikamaru's shirt. He allowed his fingers to caress the soft, sensitive skin first before flattening his hands against Shikamaru's chest.

When he felt Neji's fingers against his skin, Shikamaru stilled with a soft gasp. The soft, almost shy touch felt good against his skin. And because of the gentle way Neji was touching him it took him it took his mind and body only seconds to get synchronized.

"Neji," he breathed against the other's neck when his boyfriend stroked a sensitive spot. He then licked the other's neck, feeling excited at Neji's shiver. Wanting to feel more, explore more and push himself further he stroked his hands down Neji's side.

Neji hummed softly when Shikamaru's hands slid down his body and while he slid his hands up his boyfriend's chest. He stroked the other's skin, trying to find all the spots that made Shikamaru's breathing hitch.

Feeling excited as well as confident, Shikamaru dared to slip his own hands underneath Neji's shirt. He gasped softly at the feeling of touching and being touched at the same time. He hadn't felt something like this ever before and even through his nerves it only made him want to feel and explore more.

"Shika," Neji murmured softly after a few more moments of exploring, stroking and groping. He teasingly stroked a finger over Shikamaru's nipple and turned his head slightly so he could grin at his boyfriend. "Can I take it off?"

"Yes," Shikamaru breathed, before giving himself the chance to truly think about it. All he knew was that he felt good, he trusted Neji and most importantly, he didn't feel nervous.

With a happy laugh passing his lips, Neji leaned forward to give Shikamaru a gentle, lingering kiss.

Shikamaru returned the kiss happily. And when Neji slowly eased up the hem of his shirt he felt nervous butterflies in his stomach. But they were good nerves and he stayed calm. Breathing out in relief – even feeling proud of himself – he even reached out to pull off Neji's shirt as well.

Discarding Neji's shirt to the ground Shikamaru had to take a calming breath. He felt his heart racing but it calmed down after a few moments. Then, he lifted his hands and slowly yet with a steady touch he slid one of his hands down Neji's chest.

Neji's skin was soft and at his boyfriend's soft intake of breath Shikamaru started exploring in earnest.

When Neji returned the touches Shikamaru stiffened. He closed his eyes with a soft gasp, feeling a different kind of nervous than he had before. These kind of nerves were constricting, making him feel uncomfortable. He had to yet again remind himself that this was Neji touching him.

"It's okay," he murmured softly, continuing with his own exploring again hoping to urge Neji on with this. It was true that he was extremely nervous now. So nervous that usually he would try and escape the situation so he could calm himself down in fear of switching. But he wouldn't do that this time. Felt as if he couldn't do that this time. Neji was his boyfriend, he wanted to be able to touch him and be touched in return. Neji was being awfully considerate and tender about the whole thing. So the least he could do was try, really try, to see how far he could take things with his boyfriend. And not just for himself, also for Neji. Because it was what the other deserved.

After a few moments of hesitation Neji softly said: "All right," he nodded and gently placed the palm of his hand against Shikamaru's chest again, moving slowly. "Just let me know if I'm taking it too far, okay?"

"I will." Shikamaru murmured softly. It wasn't like his body wouldn't tell Neji if his boyfriend was going too far. "But with your patience, I don't think you will." He said with a smile. Then he kissed Neji, gently at first while continuing his exploration of his boyfriend's chest again.

When Neji kissed back, a lot less gentle and a whole lot hungrier, Shikamaru moaned softly. As their kiss intensified, so did their touches. Little by little he gained more confidence and slowly his nerves started to disappear. He still felt nervous and was a bit on edge but with every new experience, that was nothing new to him.

When Neji suddenly flicked his nipple before teasing it between his fingers Shikamaru arched into the touch, gasping into their kiss. He threaded his fingers through Neji's long, dark hair and leaned in closer to Neji, wanting to feel more.

Neji made an excited noise and slid his other hand down Shikamaru's spine before gently nudging him closer by pushing at the small of his back.

Shikamaru gasped, feeling a shock of pleasure go through his body when Neji pulled him closer. It felt amazing to be touched like this and his body was quickly responding. Excitement was buzzing within him and it was rapidly pushing his nerves further and further away.

Suddenly Neji pinched his other nipple and stroked his other hand over the hem of Shikamaru's pants.

A shuddering breath passed Shikamaru's lips as Neji's touch triggered a desire within him he'd never felt before. "Neji," he groaned softly and pushed the length of his body against his boyfriend's. He kissed Neji passionately, tongue begging for entrance, needy, while his hands slid into the other's long, luscious long hair.

When he was suddenly passionately kissed, Neji groaned into the kiss before returning it with equal passion. That urged Shikamaru on and he deepened the kiss even more, rubbing sensually against Neji.

At that, Neji pushed Shikamaru down onto the bed with a soft growl, his mind hazy from the beginnings of arousal whirling through him. One of his hands reached up to take the other's wrist in a gentle grasp while his other hand stroked down Shikamaru's chest.

When he was suddenly pushed down to the bed by his lust-filled boyfriend, Shikamaru's eyes widened in panic. Though it felt good to be touched like this by Neji but he didn't realize that anymore. Couldn't think like that anymore.

Because the moment that Neji got more into their kiss, his mind immediately flew back to all those years ago, when Orochimaru pushed him down onto the bed. His body shook, a natural reaction from his body that was reminded of being dominated and hurt.

Neji, mistaking Shikamaru's fearful shudder as one from pleasure turned his head to kiss the side of his boyfriend's neck.

At that action, fear quickly spread through him. Red alarm lights were going off inside his head, his body was going into a complete state of lock-down and there was no way he could stop it. His fear blinded him to the current situation. It somehow manipulated his mind into thinking and believing that Neji was Orochimaru and made him relive the abuse he'd suffered when he was little.

'Let me help you! Let me save us, Shikamaru! Don't let him hurt us again like he did! I'm stronger now.'

His third personality was loud in his mind, screaming at him to give up control, to hand over the reins. No, he wanted to return, no I can take care of this. But the other was stronger and angrier than him and more importantly, less afraid to face what was going on.

He bit his lip while his hands clawed at the bed in an ill attempt to gain control.

But he failed, the situation turning out to be too much for both his mind and body.

His third personality was now tearing at his consciousness, fighting to break free and Shikamaru's body stilled. The yelling and the screaming and the fear that had taken a death-grip on him were all too much.

With his body frozen in fear, out of his own control and his mind in doubt whether or not he should let the other help, though, his other personality didn't need an answer. Pushing the lazy Shikamaru to the back of his mind, protecting him from harm, the wilder and much more aggressive part of him broke free.

By now, Neji had realized that something was terribly wrong with his boyfriend and had let him go. He worriedly looked down at the other teen, a worried frown on his face.

But when he saw the dilated pupils, the tensed jaw and the completely different look on his boyfriend's face his eyes widened. He began to sit back, wondering what was wrong when Shikamaru jumped into action.

"No!" Shikamaru suddenly hollered in his own defence, eyes flashing in anger. With someone else suddenly mentally in control of the body, it immediately went out of its protective shock-mode. Driven only by his need to defend and protect, Shikamaru roughly punched Neji in the face. "Don't touch us!" He shouted hoarsely and kicked a surprised Neji.

"Leave us alone!" He shouted and kicked his surprised boyfriend who was torn between taking care of his jaw or Shikamaru.

When Neji reached out a hand – probably to calm his boyfriend down – Shikamaru kicked and hit the other until he fell off of the bed. "Go away!" He continuously screamed.

When Neji had fallen down onto the ground and wasn't attempting to get back on, Shikamaru quickly crawled back to the head of the bed. He crouched down, making himself as small as possible, almost as if he was trying to hide from the world. Taking unsteady breaths while his body shook in anger and fear he glared at Neji from his position on the bed. Warning the other to stay away from him.

Meanwhile Neji sat on the ground, baffled and unsure, cradling his aching jaw in the palm of his hand. With a hiss he let go and glanced at his boyfriend a bit warily. [i]What the fuck is going on?[/i] A small voice in the back of his mind wondered.

"S-Shikamaru..." He swallowed and then softly yet nervously asked: "What's wrong?" While he didn't know what was wrong he had the suspicion that this might have something to do with what his boyfriend desperately wanted to tell him. And even though he didn't want to feel like this, he couldn't help but think that the other should've spoken up sooner. [i]Before[/i] things got like they were right now...

At Neji's question, though, Shikamaru hissed. "Wrong? What the hell do you think is wrong?" He snarled and mumbled angrily to himself: "Rapist... fucking paedophile."

"Shika..." Neji said and after a moment moved to get up to comfort the other.

"Stay away from me!" Shikamaru screamed and he reached out a protective hand while taking sudden, shallow breaths. "S-stay where you are or I swear I'll kill you." He threatened, his eyes narrowed while his heart was beating rapidly in his chest.

"Okay," Neji said, raising his hands in both surrender and defence. He took a deep breath and nervously continued: "Okay, I'm sorry. Really, Shikamaru, I am."

Neji settled back down, reminding himself not to make sudden movements. He wasn't sure what was wrong with Shikamaru and even if he did, he probably wouldn't know what to do about it. But he [i]had[/i] to do something. Shikamaru was obviously not his real self and with both his parents and Ino and Chouji out he would need to make sure that his boyfriend calmed down. How, though, he didn't have a clue. [i]Because he didn't tell you what's wrong. That's why you don't have a clue.[/i] The voice in the back of his mind spoke up again and Neji scowled. He [i]hated[/i] that voice that kept telling him all the bad things he didn't want to think.

Biting his lower-lip softly Neji tried to think of a book he'd read, a program he'd watched, [i]anything[/i] to help him come up with a way to get his boyfriend to calm down. Maybe, he wondered, apologizing would help? That way he would be showing the other he recognized the problem and felt bad for it...

Looking down, deciding that perhaps it was good to not make eye-contact with Shikamaru, Neji softly said: "I really am sorry. It just... felt so good, kissing you and I forgot for a moment that you'd never done this before." [i]No, because he had this wouldn't have happened.[/i] The voice sneered. Ignoring it, Neji continued: "And I didn't mean to... push you. Forgive me, please?"

"You forgot?" Shikamaru sneered, his mind still caught up in his memory. "I don't think you thought about it at all." He shook his head, angry eyes still directed at Neji.

"Shikamaru..." Neji said, his voice pleading. This wasn't working. Shikamaru was still far from his usual self and meanwhile he was running out of options. Not that he'd had that many to begin with, but he was left with nothing now.

He couldn't go over to the other and hug him, tell him that everything would be alright. If he was really unlucky, he'd be killed for that.

[i]Killed. Does that really show that your boyfriend loves you?[/i] Neji bit his lip. His doubt was grounded, natural even in a situation such as these. But that didn't mean that he felt comfortable with it. How could he be so crude like this while Shikamaru was obviously in trouble?

Taking a soft breath he sorted through his options again. Asking what was wrong obviously didn't work either nor did apologizing. But by now, Neji wasn't sure what would work. It was true that now that he kept his distance and didn't move Shikamaru did seem to be a bit calmer. But some part deep inside him couldn't help but think that this wasn't [i]his[/i] fault. Whatever had happened to Shikamaru, [i]he[/i] hadn't done it yet here he was picking up the pieces. Maybe he'd been too patient, he thought. Maybe he should've just demanded answers because he'd known something was wrong.

Shikamaru was staring at Neji and the anger in his eyes flared up when the other tilted his head to look at him. "Go. Away." He ground. "Why don't you just go away?" He asked, his voice more desperate than angry now.

Neji blinked in surprise at the sudden question and quickly replied: "Because you're my boyfriend."

Shikamaru almost seemed to hesitate at that. He furrowed his brow and studied Neji for a few seconds and then snorted, jaw tensing afterwards. "Liar."

Liar? Neji thought. Well, that was a better reaction than the pleads for his departure. At least it seemed the other was now actually registering his words before replying to them. Rather than yell out whatever came to mind in his own defence. Maybe this was the way to get Shikamaru to snap out of this situation...

Neji took a deep breath. Before this happened he'd been certain that he was in love with Shikamaru. But now, with this other side of his boyfriend showing he wasn't so sure about his feelings anymore, however stupid that was. He felt like a bastard for thinking that, for feeling that way. But with this hidden from him up until now, what more was the other hiding from him that he needed to know about? But even with those feelings, he felt that now was the time to say it. Even with his doubts and taking into account the fact they hadn't been dating [i]that[/i] long yet. Because he needed to get through to Shikamaru one way or another and maybe telling Shikamaru he loved him was going to achieve exactly that.

Shaking his head, Neji eventually said: "I'm not lying."His voice soft, almost gentle even and he hoped it would help calm Shikamaru down and get back to normal. "You're my boyfriend, Shikamaru and I love you."

If he were honest he'd admit that the moment the words left his mouth he felt nervous. Nervous for actually having admitted his feelings and anxious that after this he'd feel the same.

"Hah!" Shikamaru laughed, a fake laugh that sounded almost cruel while his eyes coldly locked onto Neji. "You should hear yourself..."

Neji felt slightly desperate. Shikamaru was definitely having heartfelt, emotional reactions to his words. That had to mean he was doing something right, hadn't it? So if he continued this way Shikamaru would probably calm down and then he could explain what the heck had just happened. The other [i]had[/i] to explain now.

"I do, Shika. I do hear myself." He said with a small smile. He wondered how much convincing the other would need to come back to reality again. "And it's true. I do love you." He felt so awkward saying those words, being so open with his own emotions. He wasn't used to it, it wasn't something he would usually do. But in this situation... Gods, he needed to do anything he could right now.

Thinking back to the first time he saw his boyfriend, Neji started with a small blush: "I... it's embarrassing to admit but I liked you the moment I saw you. You looked so bored out of your mind and it intrigued me. Most people pretend to be something they're not when introducing themselves. But you didn't do that. You were just... you. And I liked it. I liked it a lot."

He paused for a moment then, nervously glancing at Shikamaru. But his boyfriend didn't say anything, he was just watching Neji with a furrowed brow. Almost nervously.

Neji couldn't help but smile happily. Did that mean he was getting through to Shikamaru? With his hopes up, he continued: "I was really happy when we became friends. Really, didn't you notice that you're the only person I really hang out with?" He sighed softly, happily. "And then we kissed and... I was so happy to know that you liked me too. And I only fell more and more for you. But I didn't dare to say it before. We've only just been together for such a short time and it's incredibly fast but... I do love you." He finished, his cheeks now flushed in embarrassment.

"You... love me?" Shikamaru mumbled, completely confused by what was going on now. All those kind words, all those specific places and feelings. They couldn't possibly be spoken by Orochimaru in an attempt to lure him out, could they?

'Of course not!' A voice in the back of his mind suddenly yelled. The lazy Shikamaru finally was taking grip of the situation again now that the anger had mainly passed through his body. 'Don't be troublesome and open your eyes. This is Neji. Neji... our boyfriend.'

Blinking, Shikamaru raised his eyes, now truly seeing for the first time without the thin layer of rage inside of him that seemed to blur all reality. "Neji," he mumbled softly and in that moment of hesitation and weakness the 'real', lazy Shikamaru found his chance.

"Neji!" He cried the moment he broke free and he quickly with a bewildered expression on his face he scrambled over to his boyfriend. "I'm sorry..." he mumbled softly and grasped the other's shoulder, feeling like he needed to hold onto the other.

Neji's eyes widened in shock when suddenly Shikamaru was tightly holding on to him. His body shook as a wave of relief flooded through him. He wanted to raise his hands, hug Shikamaru close and tell him that it was fine as long as he explained things. But right now, he didn't dare to do that.

Feeling Neji shiver, Shikamaru pulled back slightly to look at his boyfriend. He'd been horrible. He had completely snapped out of it and he had ended up hurting Neji in the progress. He had just done what he had been trying to avoid.

At seeing Neji's face though, truly seeing it, Shikamaru couldn't help but gasp, his eyes widening in horror. He reached up a slightly shaking hand, softly and tenderly stroking Neji's bruised jaw. "I'm so sorry," he whimpered softly. He should've been able to prevent this!

"It's okay," Neji said, a somewhat forced smile on his lips. "It doesn't hurt." It did, like hell. But judging the other's expression Shikamaru already felt guilty enough. No need to add to that.

"Troublesome," Shikamaru shook his head. "Don't lie. I know I was rough when I did that. I know I was..." He trailed off, both angry and disappointed in himself.

Seeing that the other was as back to normal as he would get in this situation, Neji slowly reached up a hand and gently placed it on the other's back. "Shika, it's okay."

Shaking his head stubbornly, Shikamaru said: "No, it's not." He bit his lip softly when he felt tears come to his eyes. This had never happened before. He'd never snapped like this, not with a person he loved like he did Neji around. And he'd never felt so guilty as he felt now.

A sob passed his lips and he buried his face against the crook of Neji's neck, a few tears escaping his eyes. "Damnit, this is not alright! It just isn't..."


	7. Chapter 6

**Note: **First off, many apologies for the wait for this chapter! I know it took me ages to finish and then when I updated, it's rather short. So sorry for that. I just wanted to updated something before going on holiday so, hope you enjoy it :)

**Chapter six**

They were sitting on the living-room couch. Shikamaru on one side and Neji on the other.

Shikamaru had felt a pang of pain and guilt when his boyfriend had sat down on the other side of the couch rather than right next to him. But he understood why Neji was wary, perhaps even angry. If their roles had been reversed, he'd probably do and feel the same. Although he had to admit he wasn't even sure he would put up with as much of the crap Neji was putting up with. So he couldn't say he was disappointed in his boyfriend. If anything, he was relieved Neji was still willing to sit on the same couch as him.

Shikamaru turned to watch Neji, who was staring at his knees almost intently. He flinched when he saw the bruise on the other's jaw.

He hesitated for a moment before asking: "Does it hurt?"

Neji looked up at Shikamaru and shrugged. "I'll live."

Shikamaru averted his eyes, thinking it probably hurt a lot more than Neji was willing to admit. The fact that his boyfriend was probably pretending not to be hurt as much as he was, only added to his feeling of guilt.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

For a few moments, Neji didn't say anything in return. He merely sat and watched Shikamaru – who was refusing to look up, afraid he'd end up crying. Then, he warily asked: "What happened?"

Shikamaru couldn't help but flinch at the question. The moment they'd sat down onto the couch, he'd known he would have to tell Neji about his disorder. But that didn't mean he didn't dread telling his boyfriend.

At first he'd thought that telling Neji about it at a later point in their relationship was a good choice, now he wasn't sure if that was the best thing he could've done. It probably wasn't. It had been a safe option, it had spared him from pain earlier on in their relationship. But he hadn't thought of Neji, not at all. He'd only thought of himself, what he might feel at Neji's reaction. He hadn't considered anything but his own fear. "Shikamaru?" Neji was looking at his boyfriend with a frown on his face. Sounding slightly irritated, he asked: "It's about time you told me what's going on, don't you think?"

Shikamaru swallowed. "I know." He nodded and then softly admitted: "I should've told you sooner."

"Why didn't you?"

Shikamaru lowered his eyes. He was a coward and now Neji would think so, too. Worse, Neji would probably hate him for not telling about it sooner. "I was afraid."

"Afraid?" Neji asked, obviously wondering what could be so bad. "Of what?"

Shikamaru clenched his hands into fists. There was no excuse why he had lied about the reason why he hadn't told his boyfriend. Both embarrassed and slightly angry – with himself – he admitted softly: "Of you leaving me."

"Oh," Neji blinked and frowned. If he was thinking that Shikamaru didn't trust him at all, he didn't voice it. Instead, he remained silent, waiting for an explanation.

Shikamaru nervously fumbled with his fingers, taking a moment to come up with the words to tell Neji about his disorder. "It's just that... it's troublesome. And most people won't put up with it." He turned his eyes away from Neji. "I'm not sure if I would."

Sighing softly, Neji said: "I won't know if I will unless you tell me."

Shikamaru couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed. He'd known the other wouldn't say he would just put up with it. Not after what happened. But he'd still hoped.

Shikamaru took a breath in the hopes of calming his racing heart down a bit. It was now or never. "I'll explain everything, I promise." He told his boyfriend before looking down to his knees and mumbling: "I've got Dissociative Identity Disorder."

Neji blinked, expression slightly confused.

Shikamaru glanced at him from the corner of his eyes. "It means I've got multiple personalities."

"You... oh." Neji eventually said, sounding confused and uncertain and he frowned.

Something inside of Shikamaru panicked right away at Neji's uncertainness. He was so afraid that Neji would get up and leave.

"Are you..." he started, but then realized he didn't have a clue what he was going to ask. So instead, he nervously looked at Neji and prayed for a good reaction.

"So..." Neji started after a few painful silent minutes, looking at Shikamaru with annoyance clear on his face. "You don't trust me?"

Shikamaru's face fell and he felt as if he was just punched in the gut. For a moment, he didn't know how to react and then a sense of desperation fell over him. "N-no, that's not it. I do trust you!"

Neji shook his head, eyes flashing angrily and balling his hands into fists. "No, you don't. You don't trust me, that's why you didn't tell! You thought I would walk away because you don't trust me a single bit! You knew something like this would happen and endangered the both of us and still didn't tell me."

Shikamaru swallowed, turning his eyes away and clenching his own hands into fists. He took a few breaths. He had to stay calm now. He _had_ to.

"That's... Neji," he reached out a hand, trying to reach for Neji's hand but the other pulled it away before Shikamaru could reach.

"No, just... no." He shook his head and stood up. "You were... Not telling me was selfish and... My god, Shikamaru," Neji turned his head away and closed his eyes for a moment before angrily muttering: "I thought you knew I cared enough about you to fucking accept this."

Shikamaru felt a sliver of hope at those words. "So you're okay with it?" He asked softly.

"That's not the problem, now is it?" Neji spat. "Whether I do or don't isn't important. You won't believe it anyway because you don't trust my feelings!" Neji yelled and then took a deep, angry breath.

On the couch, Shikamaru swallowed. He was speechless, stunned by the fact he had hurt Neji _this_ much.

"You know what, I don't want to deal with this right now." Neji shook his head and looked at Shikamaru. "I have to think and I can't do that here with you." Then, Neji turned and left.

When the door slammed Shikamaru broke down and cried.

* * *

He'd screwed up.

He'd screwed up and now he needed to deal with it. He just wasn't sure how to do that.

It was obvious he had upset Neji by not telling him about his feelings. He should've realized that the other would see it as distrust rather than fear. The truth was, though, that Neji had been right. The reluctance to tell Neji and the fear the other might leave him for his disorder had been driven by fear. Fear that Neji didn't care about him enough to put up with it.

Now that he'd told Neji, though, his fear of his boyfriend leaving him was still there. Neji had been genuinely hurt and upset and Shikamaru knew he couldn't figure out how to fix this on his own. For this, he needed his friends.

It turned out that Chouji and Ino were still at the burger-place they'd first gone to when leaving Shikamaru and Neji alone to talk. When Shikamaru entered, they were having an animated conversation and he couldn't help but smile. He still thought Ino should just get over herself and her high demands and just go on a date with Chouji.

Then, Ino caught sight of him and she started waving with a wide grin.

Shikamaru raised a hand and gave an awkward wave before making his way over to his friends. They were his best friends and knew all about his disorder but he still dreaded telling them what had happened. But he needed them. Needed them to listen and help sort out his feelings so he could find a way to fix this.

Ino gave him a wide smile when he sat down in the booth opposite of her and she stirred her diet coke with a straw. "So... how did it go?"

Shikamaru shot Chouji a look, unsure of exactly what he'd told Ino.

"He told me everything." Ino stated and shook her head. "I can't believe you don't tell him. I mean, I know it sucks but if he can't deal with it he's not the one, you know?"

Shikamaru swallowed. Of course she would say that. Just like Chouji. They could only pretend to understand what he had to deal with on a daily basis. But he had to admit they were right. He'd just realized it too late.

He lowered his eyes, staring at the table as he spoke. "I did tell him."

After a few silent moments, Ino softly said: "That's good, isn't it?"

Shikamaru huffed and looked at his friends with a pained expression. "No, no it's not."

Ino's expression fell and she reached out to place a hand atop of Shikamaru's soothingly. "Shika..."

Shikamaru looked away and when he saw Chouji's worried expression he sighed. "Troublesome. I'll... I'm going to get myself something and then I'll tell you." He said and quickly stood up.

Standing in line at the counter, Shikamaru rubbed his jaw with a sigh. Even thinking about what had happened made him feel like crying. He could only imagine that talking about it would make him feel even worse.

Upon getting back to their table with his order, Ino and Chouji were ready to leave. When Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, Chouji shrugged. "We figured you wouldn't want to talk about it in public so..."

Shikamaru nodded. "Yeah," his friends really were the best.

* * *

In the end, his breakdown hadn't been as bad as expected. As he had thought, talking with his friends helped. It gave him an opportunity to vent about his feelings and that, in turn, made him realize what he'd done wrong.

Well, he'd known what he'd done wrong but he hadn't realized exactly how unfair his expectations of Neji had been. How could someone just accept his disorder without a second thought and then continue on normally? If only he'd thought rationally he would've realized that Neji would never have reacted the way Shikamaru had wanted him to, because no-one would.

But what bothered him most was the fact Neji now thought he didn't trust him. Rightfully so, but it still bothered Shikamaru for that had never been what he wanted. He cared for Neji and he wanted to trust him a hundred percent. He'd thought he did, until now. Finding out that deep down he didn't completely trust the person he was together with came as a pained shock. Certainly considering it was Neji himself who had showed him.

After an emotional but very much needed conversation, the three settled on Shikamaru's living-room couch to watch a movie. Ino had decided on a comedy, mainly because she hoped it would get Shikamaru laughing a bit.

But Shikamaru was too busy thinking and worrying to even pay attention to the movie, let alone laugh at it. Then, halfway through the movie, he sighed and both Chouji and Ino quickly turned to look at him, worried.

He shook his head at them and gave them a clipped smile, waving his hand. 'It's nothing,' he wanted to say, hoping it would stop his friends from worrying. But he knew that would be a lie and Chouji and Ino would see right through it. "Troublesome," he muttered. "I hate this."

Ino frowned. "Hate what, exactly?"

"The waiting," Shikamaru sighed. "I can't stand this, not knowing if Neji will come back or not."

Ino gave Shikamaru a reassuring smile. "He doesn't seem like the kind of guy that just wouldn't come back."

Chouji nodded in agreement. "He probably just needs some time to let it all sink in."

"I know," Shikamaru groaned. "Doesn't make it any easier."

"Well, it gives you the time to think of what you want to say to Neji." Ino offered with a small smile.

Shikamaru shook his head. "I already know what I'm going to say. Now I just need a chance to do so."

* * *

It was the next morning that Shikamaru's opportunity to talk to Neji came.

Shikamaru's parents had gone to work already and Shikamaru, Chouji and Ino were enjoying a late breakfast when the doorbell rang.

When he walked to the front door, Shikamaru felt more nervous with each step he took. He had a feeling it would be Neji and when he opened the door, he knew he was right.

"Ah..." Seeing Neji, Shikamaru couldn't help but lower his eyes, nervous and suddenly unsure of what to say. "Hi," he mumbled and then stepped aside. "Want to come in?"

Neji nodded and stepped inside, watching as Shikamaru closed the door and turned around to lean against it, watching Neji almost apprehensively.

They stood like that, watching each other, for a few moments before Shikamaru turned his eyes away to stare at the floor. Yesterday, he'd had a hundred things he'd wanted to tell Neji and had thought of at least a dozen ways to apologize. But now all he wanted was to beg Neji to forgive him.

So instead of his thought-out and calculated apology, Shikamaru nervously blurted: "I'm sorry. You were right, I didn't trust you and I should have... I'm sorry."

When he dared to glance up at Neji to gauge the other's reaction, Shikamaru's gut clenched in nervousness. When he saw that Neji was looking away from him – avoiding him, Shikamaru's heart ached in disappointment and rejection. He'd definitely screwed up badly and Neji was probably going to break up with him now...

"You should be sorry," Neji suddenly muttered, turning his head to look at Shikamaru, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "You just... God, were you even going to tell me if that hadn't happened?"

Shikamaru flinched, considered lying for a second but then decided against it. If there ever was a time he needed to be honest with Neji, this was it.

Swallowing hard, Shikamaru shook his head. "No... I knew I had to tell you but I just... I was afraid."

"Afraid I'd leave you?"

Shikamaru nodded and then bitterly said: "You wouldn't be the first person to do such a thing."

Neji stayed silent for a few moments and just when Shikamaru was to blurt something stupid again – just to break the silence – he said: "Well, you're making it really easy for me to walk out on you this way."

Shikamaru froze, staring at Neji wide-eyed and he felt his heart sink. This wasn't happening, was it? Neji wasn't just telling him this, he couldn't be!

Suddenly, he felt anxious. If Neji's next words were that he was breaking up with him, how would he react? Shikamaru swallowed and clenched his eyes close, praying for the best but fearing the worst and knowing damned well it was all his own fault.

"Really, what were you thinking?" Neji shook his head and then sighed. "No, I know what you were thinking..."

Shikamaru sucked in a breath, preparing for a stream of words telling him how self-centred and distrustful he was.

"I... I get it, you know?" Neji said. "I get it now and I'm sorry for being such an ass yesterday. I said some things I really shouldn't have... But it hurt, you know? It still hurts, knowing you didn't trust me and probably still don't."

Shikamaru blinked in surprise. Neji was apologizing? He could hardly believe it but that didn't mean he wasn't unbelievably happy with it. But the apology still didn't take away the fact Neji now wasn't sure whether his boyfriend trusted him or not.

"I do trust you!" Shikamaru suddenly blurted in an idle attempt to explain to Neji exactly what he had been thinking. "I mean... it's not that I didn't trust you with the knowledge of my disorder it's just that... I'm so afraid you'll leave me over it. I mean, it's tough and shit and you wouldn't have to deal with it in a normal relationship. In a relationship with someone other than me." Shikamaru swallowed and turned his head away, continuing. "And here... before I moved, in my old town everyone knew about it and even then people abandoned me. Moving sucked but I thought I could make a new start here, you know? Along the way I just got... so afraid of someone finding out about my disorder and people not wanting to hang out with me anymore that I just..." He broke off with a sigh. Really, nothing he said was going to make this any better.

Neji sighed softly. "I get it," he mumbled with a nod. "I don't like it, but I get it and I probably would've done the same thing."

Shikamaru felt relieved, so relieved at those words and he dared to look at Neji, hopeful. "Really?"

Neji nodded and then sternly said: "Just don't ever do that again. I want to know about the things that bother you."

Shikamaru gasped, a smile coming to his face.

"And we need to talk about this. I mean, you really –" When Shikamaru suddenly lunged forward and hugged Neji tight, he abruptly stopped talking, taken by surprise.

"We will," Shikamaru mumbled against Neji's neck, voice hoarse from emotion. "We will talk, any troublesome thing you want. Just..."

Neji chuckled and returned the hug, closing his eyes. "I'll shut up now."

Shikamaru tightened his arms around Neji's waist. "Thanks."


End file.
